If you’ve been around blogs, sex toy Twitter, or sex shop forums, you’ve probably been asked the following question; if you could only use one type of toy for the rest of your life, what would it be? I used to hesitate when faced with this query, but not now. Now I pretty much scream DILDOS then go on a panicked dildo buying spree. I love all kinds of dildos, but the best kind are the ones that are made especially for me. Colours, sizes, firmness, vac-u-lock holes, cumtubes, suction cups… It’s all customisable and bloody wonderful. The latest ‘made for me’ dildo to join my collection is the glorious Mister Vain Dildo by Vain Toys.
Vain Toys is a young, Denmark based company that makes lovely silicone dildos and butt plugs in a huge array of colours. Every step of the process, from sketching to pouring, is done in-house. While the shapes and sizes of each piece are non-negotiable, the rest is up to the customer. Once I’d made my choices, I had my dildo in my grabby hands within probably a week and a half. Speedy, and discreetly packaged, too.
For my piece, I had to go for the Mister Vain. The texture slut and size queen in me wouldn’t have it any other way. My customisable choices came in the form of colour and suction cup. I said yay to the latter, cos I like to stick dildos to the headboard. And for my colour (of which there are 20 to choose from) I picked Deep Ocean Blue. It’s subtly metallic and seems to be two shades of blue mixed into a muted marble. So lovely.
After choosing the colour had another choice to make; glitter or no glitter? Uh, glitter forever! With my dildo being a lovely, deep sea blue, I opted for silver glitter. There’s also gold available for those who choose a warmer base colour.
So, my big and beautiful Mister Vain. From the rim of the base to the tip of the head it measures up at around 8.5”. Insertable, you’re looking at about 7”. At its widest point, its girth is just a smidge under 7”. No, it’s definitely not one for the faint-hearted, is it? But that’s one of the reasons I chose it. I love girthy dildos that offer stretch, but they also have to have length so that I can get a good thrusting momentum going. Sure, I love to grind, but sometimes I just need a good pounding and I can’t make that happen solo unless I have plenty of base.
Even so, my love for bigger dongs wasn’t the first thing that drew me to the Mister Vain. I could play ‘can you guess what it was’ but it’s painfully obvious, don’t you think? It was those veins! So many squiggly, almost tentacle-like veins, I could just imagine how they would feel.
When I first got my hands on it I stamped my feet with excitement. These veins are super pronounced! They’re over 1cm thick, depending on what part of the shaft you look at, and they’re raised by more than half a centimetre in some places. But, despite how bold they look, they can be as gentle as you want them to be. See, the majority of them travel lengthways up the shaft in relatively straight lines. When inserted and thrust straight in and out, they don’t feel like much at all. It’s when you start to twist your wrist that the magic happens.
But more about the magic in a bit. I should mention a few more things first.
One of those things is the chunky assed head. It’s a bit weird in that it’s semi-realistic in concept but completely not realistic in execution. Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Well, the head of this dildo reminds me of the crystal alien skulls in that. Elongated. Kinda egg-shaped, kinda potato-shaped, not at all glans penis shaped.
The head alone is 3” in length with a 7” girth at its widest point, and then below that there’s what I’d guess to be a ridge of foreskin. It’s as chunky as the head, though, so it makes it feel a bit like a double head when thrusting slowly and shallowly.
The other thing I want to mention is the harness compatible suction cup base. It’s very unlike any I’ve seen so far. Instead of the whole base being domed there’s just a giant hole in the centre. A bit like a massive vac-u-lock hole. When you slap it against something smooth and shiny the edges splay out and the whole thing sticks like it’s been glued down. Absolutely brilliant.
And finally, before we get into the how’s it feel to fuck it section of the review, I’ll say a quick word on the firmness. I know nothing about technical terms, so I won’t even try to spew those at you. But what I do know is that Vain Toys slipped a pair of small silicone hearts into the bag my dildo came in, along with a little packet of Haribo jelly teddies.
Those silicone hearts are just a little bit softer than those lil’ bears. It has a moderate amount of squish and is firm enough to be free standing, yet it’s flexible enough to be bent clean in half. When you consider the boldness of the veins and the girth of the head, that bit of softness is a welcome thing.
So, in use. I’m sure you’ve probably gleaned from what I’ve said so far that I’m deeply in love with my Mister Vain. I have to use plenty of lube cos the silicone has a bit of drag, but once I get going there’s no stopping me.
The head feels delicious on insertion. I take it slowly to appreciate the sheer size of it and the way the ‘foreskin’ bump offers a little bit more stretch, just when I think there’s no more to be had. Before I even take the shaft half way in I get g-spot stimulation. With a head this size there’s no way was it gonna miss it. It’s not intense like it would be with a smaller, targeting tip, but it’s deep and lovely and satisfying.
Once I’m crazy aroused I need to thrust. That head smacking off my cervix is fabulous, and when I start to twist my wrist I get the full effect of the veins. It’s bumpy and it scrapes a bit, but in a good way. God, in the fucking best way.
Then there’s anal. I’m not keen on using the Mister Vain for anal cos of the veins. Not because I’m lazy and don’t want the hassle of cleaning around each one, I mean, I do that anyway. But the handmade nature of the toy means it isn’t without its flaws, and there’s an air bubble and a few veiny overhangs that could potentially be missed. I don’t consider that a problem, cos I’ve seen and had a lot worse.
However, while I don’t really want to use this dildo anally, I do. And it’s so frigging good! Something I love about realistically shaped toys for anal is that point where the coronal ridge pulls against the anal opening from the inside. Where it feels like it’s a breath away from popping out? I fucking love it, but the popping out inevitably happens and then I have to reinsert with lubey hands.
But with this dildo, I get that same, almost out feeling but the length of the head means there’s still plenty still inside me. There is no popping out, there’s plenty of girth and stretch and that toe curling feeling of pressure from inside. I don’t even have to take any of the veined shaft inside me, it’s good enough with just the head.
As with most silicone toys, cleaning the Mister Vain is simple enough. You can boil it, but Vain Toys recommends that you don’t bleach it. I use hot soapy water and a toothbrush to clean mine, and I won’t let it near a cloth or towel. It’s a dust monster that every particle of crap in the air finds and sticks to, so I try to let it air dry before popping it on my dildo shelf.
I really would recommend not just this toy but also Vain Toys in general. They’re a lovely company to deal with, their stuff is excellent quality and it’s delivered super fast. Your choices are many, the sparkly glitter is wonderful…click the banner below to give them a visit and pick up a lovely new toy all of your own. Vain Toys is no longer trading *sad face*
