It’s Uberrime time! I love this brand so much, folks. How much? Top five brands ever much. I have a handful of their products in my review queue (all of them stunning) and the first pick out of that box for the new year is the Uberrime Helios Dildo.
Okay, I kinda lied there. I didn’t take the Helios out of my review box cos it’s never been in it. Nope, it’s lived in my ‘quick grab’ cupboard because when I want it I want it, I don’t want to have to rummage.
After 5 years of cramming stuff into my cunt and then writing about it, I’ve become very finely attuned to what does and doesn’t work for me. I know that if I don’t have a curve, I like a bulbous tip. If I don’t have texture, I like girth, and that I like more length than I can take so that I have something to hold on to. And the Uberrime Helios ticks all my boxes in the best of ways.
You may know that, alongside their off the shelf stuff, Uberrime also offer their customers the chance to customise certain aspects of their chosen products. When it comes to size, what you see is what you get, but if the items in their shop inventory don’t match what you’re after in terms of firmness or colour, you can request that something be made to suit you.
The Uberrime Helios sits comfortably at the larger end of the common size scale. It stands at a generous 8” in total length and 7” of that is insertable. Around the edge of the glans there’s a girth of 6.25”, and the shaft narrows to 5.25” at the top then flares out a little to 5.5”. This is probably my ideal size for non-challenging penetration. There isn’t any warm up required. I don’t need a gallon of lube. It’s easily inserted and I get a lovely deep massage from the length, just enough stretch from the girth, and then there’s the texture… but I’ll talk about that later.
Now, if a dildo is in what I would consider to be a reasonably manageable size bracket, I’m not all that fussed about the firmness of its silicone. Therefore, I didn’t ask for the standard density of my Uberrime Helios to be changed, so it came in soft. And it’s the perfect level of soft for me. Floppy if I waggle it, squishable if I squeeze it, gentle on my orifices and bones. Yet it’s firm enough to stand on its own without keeling over and buggering off across the floor.
Sometimes, if a toy is too soft, I have problems with insertion, especially if I’m using it anally. I’ve had loads of instances of a dildo just bending in half rather than pushing past my reluctant sphincter. That’s so fucking frustrating! It spreads lube up my butt crack or across my cheek and I have to reapply before I’ve even started. Roar! But I don’t have that issue with the Helios, it just pops on in there with nary a flex.
So, with size and firmness predetermined, all I needed to decide on was what colour my Helios would be. It’s a hard thing to have to do, folks. If a company is offering you a batch of colour options to choose from it can be tricky, but when you’ve got the entire would of colours, combos, and themes to choose from it gets extra difficult. Even more so for the likes of me, cos I’m the type of person to assume that the people I like can perform magic and I delve deep into my loves to find something perfectly unreasonable.
But Marco – the captain of the Uberrime ship – loves a challenge, and after he nailed my Dragonfish inspired Xenusoid, I decided to cut him some slack. Sticking to the fishy theme, I sent him a picture of the Fella’s favourite fish; the Koi Carp. And the result is this beautiful swirly mix of juicy orange and shimmering white with a soft black base. I’m super happy with it and the Fella (who doesn’t often get excited about dildo colours) thinks it’s bright and bonny.
Before I tell y’all how I got on with the Helios, I’ll have to talk about the texture. It’s a semi-realistic shaped dildo, so first you have a definite dick-like head. This one is rounded, blunt, and fat with a dip beneath the ridge that makes it feel super bold in use. Then the shaft is laden with close-set ribs that run down its entire length, and it just happens to be twisted from the middle. That pulls the ridges around the toy and turns it from texture you can see to texture you can feel. If the ribs run in the same direction as the shaft, I’d have to twist the dildo in order to feel them, but Uberrime has done the work for me.
So, using my Uberrime Helios. I don’t care if I’m playing anally or vaginally, I know I’m gonna have a whale of a time with this thing. There’s just so much sensation to be had from it. From the very point of insertion, when I feel myself stretching around the chubby head and then shrinking into the dip beneath it, to the point where I feel the ridges ebbing and flowing over my entrance, it’s just all entirely delicious.
Slow and steady lets me feel all of the textures. They feel fantastic vaginally, but as with many textured dildos, they’re incredible for anal. I love that the softness takes away the harshness my butt often gets from deep ribs and nubs. It glides better, it feels more sensual and natural than a massive, hard toy ever could.
And because there isn’t anything extreme about it, I don’t experience those orgasms that hit me like a tonne of bricks and leave me unable to play on. My climax creeps in slowly, one of those ones where the tension builds in your groin and belly, spreads to your chest, then kinda bleeds out of your pores and leaves you feeling literally boned once it’s over. As you can probably imagine, I love dildos that make me feel this way.
With every Uberrime product you get a care sheet that’s chock full of tips for keeping your toy in perfect condition. Cleaning (the usual silicone cleaning methods all apply) and storage (away from lint, dust and pet hair cos it loves ‘em) are both covered.
I really can’t recommend Uberrime enough, to be honest. If you go directly to them for your toys, you’ll get ore options, but they’re also available at Peepshow Toys and SheVibe. Some of their models are exclusive to one or the other of those stores, though, so if you want to add the Helios to your collection, you’ll have to visit Peepshow. You’ll be limited for colour options, but it’s likely that this won’t be a problem for most folks. If colour is important to you don’t worry, though. Uberrime has much more to choose from than just this.
To visit Uberrime or Peepshow, click on their respective banner below.
