Here’s a very well-known fact for you: I love reviewing sex toys. And here’s another one: I love Halloween. But what happens when you put those two loves together? The Uberrime Calaveras Dildo, that’s what. Yep, it’s time for me to write my annual Halloween product review, and I’m one very happy Spookarella.
I know it wasn’t, but the Uberrime Calaveras appeals to me on so many levels it almost feels like it was designed specially for me. The part of me that lives for the spooky and the macabre gets so excited by it I could scream with joy every time I look at it. I mean, glow in the dark skulls for testicles? I’m so fucking here for that! A planchette shaped base? Sign me up!
With its spine-esque shaft and wildly prominent balls, the Calaveras is a semi-realistic penis shape with a fantasy twist. If you look closely, you can see the care to detail that went into the skulls. There’s curvature to their brows, quite a depth to their eye and nose cavities, and they even have a full set of gnashers fixed into their jaws. Bloody gorgeous they are.
As well as being gloriously designed, it really is a perfectly executed piece of kit. Every inch of it is high quality. From tip to base, it’s made of platinum silicone and there isn’t a seam in sight. Nor is there an air bubble, thumbprint, split, or any other kind of flaw. I’ve had hand-poured dildos in the past that came with one or more of those defects, so I know they do happen. Something else you won’t find on the Calaveras (or any other Uberrime dildo) is 3D printer marks. All Uberrime products are sculpted by hand, so unless they’ve been intentionally textured, they’re completely smooth.
Now, Uberrime does offer custom firmness and colouring, but my Calaveras came straight from their inventory. That means that the firmness is a soft/medium blend, which makes it fairly squishy but not to the point of being floppy. It stands to attention and, depending on the angle, its softness doesn’t hamper insertion too much. Colour-wise, its shaft is black and pearly silver with a subtle smattering of glitter that sparks red when the light catches it. And then there are the balls which are glow in the dark fluorescent green that blends into the black/silver combo right at the base.
The Uberrime Calaveras looks like a substantially large dildo but that’s mostly down to the balls. They’re big, chunky things that account for almost a third of the 7” length. They’re 3.5” wide and give the base a depth of 4.25”. This means that you have quite a substantial handle to take a fistful of while you play. If you’re more of a rider than a manual thruster, they offer a little weight right at the base to help hold the toy down while you do your thing.
We interrupt this review to direct your attention to Scandarella’s Halloween 2018 Giveaway. Why? Cos one of the prizes up for grabs in none other than the Uberrime Calaveras itself. The giveaway only has a week left to run, so if this review wakes the want monster in you get entering cos there’s a chance that you could win one!
And now, back to your scheduled programming.
With the Uberrime Calavaras you’re in for a modest 5” of insertable length and a maximum girth of 4.75”. As I mentioned above, the shaft is designed to resemble a human spine. The waved vertebrae lend some lovely textures to both the front and back of the shaft, and where those waves meet on the sides you get ridges that run the length of the shaft. It has a slightly pinched tip and while the overall shape of the dildo is realistic, the head is not. All in all, it doesn’t feel like a standard rounded shaft to me, it feels almost boxy.
When I was gushing about this dildo to a friend she gave me the stank-eye and said, “You’ve gone on and on about how it looks but you haven’t said if it’s any good to use.” So, folks, I rolled my sleeves up and told her.
Long love story short, it feels really good! I did worry that it might not cos it was smaller than I envisaged, but I thoroughly enjoy using it. I need to use a good lick of water-based lube with it, cos I find there’s a light drag, and once that’s done it slips I first try both vaginally and anally. The pinched tip will go a long way to help with insertion for folks who don’t love girthy toys, as will the softness of the silicone. And the skull base gives you something solid to press your hand against when you’re trying to stiffen the shaft. It can bend, especially with anal insertions cos the butthole is usually quite tight, but it isn’t one of those things that double over and act all impossible.
My favourite position to get into with this one is on my knees. I usually have the Uberrime Calaveras propped up on the edge of a Liberator shape cos it stops it from sinking into the mattress under my weight. Rather than letting myself go buck wild with it, I tend to keep things slow for as long as I can. This lets me feel my body stretching and shrinking as it moulds itself to the waves on the shaft. They’re especially prominent during anal for me cos my rear opening is more sensitive to texture than my front one. I have to really force myself not to go too fast though, cos when I do, the shaft starts to feel smoother. Still good, just less textured.
Something else I like to do with it is g-spotting. The shaft has quite a curve in the upper half and it takes the tip straight to my front wall. I don’t have a massive amount of luck with it solo cos it’s too soft for me to get the pressure and angle right, but the Fella hits the hotspot no problem. If you’re a squirter you’ll need lube on standby, cos I’ve found that the silicone becomes super draggy when covered in lady jizz.
I can’t write about how this piece feels in use without coming back to its appearance. Cos the glow in the dark aspect plays a huge role for both me and the Fella. Visually and psychologically. We both get off on seeing my cunt glowing with an eerie green light. I have to use a mirror so I can only see so much, but he’s right there at the mouth of the beast, so to speak, and he gets to see everything. I’m not exaggerating, the Calaveras’ balls really do have one hell of a glow so it’s plenty bright down there. That’s creepy, fun, and we both find it pretty hot.
Cleaning and storing the Calaveras is a simple affair. I chuck mine in a sink full of soapy water, give it a good rub (paying attention to the skull faces) then rinse and let it air dry. I store mine on a shelf in my cupboard, but if you use bags you’ll need to sort one yourself. Unlike the other toys I have from Uberrime, this one wasn’t supplied in its own bag, it comes in a plastic bag.
So, that’s the Uberrime Calaveras. Some folks will likely see it as a seasonal piece that would only come out for play around Halloween, but others, like me, will see it as something they want to use all year round. It’s dark but fun, creepy, kitschy, and cute, and it feels as good as it looks. I can see it being loved by goths, punks, rockers, cosplayers, and probably hipsters.
If you’d like to get your claws on one click the banner below and pay Uberrime a visit. Be quick, though, cos its maker, Marco, did tell me that it’s a seasonal product, so it might not be around for much longer.
