There are some things in the world of Scandarella that are kinda givens. Awesome products. Shitty products. So mediocre I fell asleep while using them products. Products I love, ones I hate, and others that the Fella and I argue over because of our vastly different tastes and opinions. All of that I expect on a day to day basis, but one thing happened to me recently that I would never have expected in a million years. The thing that happened, is the Teddy Love Vibrating Bear.
Yep, if a fortune teller had looked into a crystal ball this time last year and told me they’d seen me riding the face off a teddy bear, sweaty, grunting, and in hot pursuit of an orgasm, I’d have said, “No, no-no-no-no, I stopped humping teddy bears as soon as I started humping humans.”
Cos, when I was in my teens, that was one of the ways I masturbated. Teddy bears, pillows, cushions. Anything I could stuff between my knees and rock against, or anything that formed a firm enough bump for me to lie on was fair game. After the advent of other bodies and sex toys, I didn’t think I’d ever go back to anything like that. The only things I hump these days are the Fella’s thighs or hands.
But, a recent exploration into the Daddy/little girl dynamic brought this, the Teddy Love, into my life and bedroom.
I confess, I’d always looked at this thing and thought, ya what? It honestly gave me the heebie jeebies, but even so, I couldn’t help but think it was cute. When it arrived, the first thing I thought was, woah, would you get a load of this packaging!
It’s first Valentine’s Day as a couple level cheesiness. Massive pink hearts everywhere, some of them filled with basic info, some leopard print with tattoo style ribbons. And, through a window that was no longer attached to the box, peered the cheekiest chappie of a bear. (There was also a Teddy Love Butt Plug inside the box, a mini review of which will follow right after this one.)
The soppy kitsch lover in me was delighted!
The Fella took the bear out of the box for me, so my first impression of it was, aw, how cute! It’s a good-sized bear, measuring around 19” from ears to toes when you lie it out flat. Tan fur, a sweet little red bow tie, muzzle frozen in the act of blowing a raspberry…a proper little charmer! I had visions of spritzing the back of the bow tie with the Fella’s aftershave so I could snuggle it when he wasn’t around. If I wanted a comforting orgasm, it would have me covered. I even called it Balthazar, cos it was my name of the week at the time.
Then the Fella put it on the bed beside me… and wiped his hands on his jeans. He wiped, frowned, and went to wash his hands. Did I want to touch it if he was looking so icked out by it? Course I did, I’m a professional.
One touch confirmed that I do not like the polyester stuff this dude is covered in. Firstly, it doesn’t stay on the fucking bear. I was covered in biscuit coloured fibres within seconds. It got in my mouth, in my eyes, up my nose and I thought, god help my poor vulva when I sit on this thing’s face.
There’s a roughness to the Teddy Love fur that I didn’t expect to feel. I mean, I like beardy/stubbly roughness on my skin, but the beauty of that stuff is it stays on the person who grew it. This shit gets everywhere, and the more vigorous you are with it, the more it sheds. Christ, I never thought I’d have a sex toy that moults.
The legs aren’t too bad, but its belly and other parts feel a bit matted. I like the feel of the hands and feet, though. They’re soft and fleecy, it’s just a shame that the rest of the body is like a scrubbing brush.
Something else I’m not keen on? Its eyes.
Eyes of despair
Oh my stars, the poor thing looks dead inside. It almost looks like it’s saying, “Go ahead, violate my face. I don’t care anymore. I’ve been through so much in my short life, I’m as broken as I’m gonna get.” I honestly felt guilty fucking it, I swear to God.
Okay, here’s the thing. As stated in this review title, the Teddy Love is a vibrating bear. Its muzzle is made from food grade TPE (which it pained me to discover, I shoulda checked before deciding I wanted to review it – my bad). It feels weird. I’ve tried so hard to think of what it reminds me of, but all I can think of is a plastic Where’s Wally book tote my kid has. It’s squashy, but not the soft kind of squashy. You know that hard, thin plastic that ends up with a permanent crease if you fold it? It’s that stuff. It’s hollow, so you can mush the teddy’s face and feel the vibrator gubbins inside.
The nose is a hard black plastic, and the tongue a hard pink plastic. Size wise, the muzzle is 3-inches by 2.75-inches by 3-inches. The tongue sticks out, and that’s where you get your pinpoint stimulation from, peeps. Yeah, I’m seeing strangeness of this toy in a fresh light as I type out this review.
Anyway, the vibes. Teddy love is powered by three AAA batteries, and the housing for those batteries is hidden in a pocket in the bear’s back. Just like every other battery-operated cuddly toy out there, that pocket is kept closed with Velcro. It’s well concealed, and the Velcro fits nice and tight, making sure the thing doesn’t open mid-fuck. There’s no chance of scratching, cos there’s a bit of fuzzy cushioning from the fabric overlap.
To operate the Teddy Love, you have confusion. Buttons everywhere. One in each ear, and one in the right hand. That hand button is a dud, folks. It’s a ‘try me’ button, and pressing it just cycles through all the settings and then it goes off. Yes, I did think my bear was busted when it kept shutting off. And no, I wasn’t disappointed at all. I’ll tell you why in a minute.
The buttons in the ears are where you need to be. Clicking the one on the left turns the bear on and off, and the right ear controls the modes. You get four constant speeds, and six patterns. To my surprise, Teddy Love remembers the last setting you were on! I’ve got brilliant, top drawer vibes that don’t have a memory, so that’s bizarre in a toy like this.
Like what, I hear you ask? What’s it like?
Well, it’s incredibly bad. So bad, I didn’t mind the idea of it being broke when the vibes kept shutting off after I pressed the hand.
The vibes are probably the least powerful I’ve ever come across. They’re quite loud, given that they’re muffled by a fuck ton of fur, and they’re just so bad even I – Captain Positive – can’t find a good thing to say about them. Possibly the worst thing about them is that they can be felt throughout the body of the toy more than they can in the face. And the face is where it’s supposed to be at, what with that clit licking tongue and labia nuzzlin’ muzzle.
I freely admit that all thoughts of having a cuddly bedtime/playtime companion were out of the window by this point. Looking at it made me angry, and I kinda resented the fact that I had to masturbate with it. Or on it, rather
But, masturbate I had to, and so I gave the Fella instructions to hand it to me during play, at a time when he knew orgasm was more or less guaranteed. So, he did. He lay it on the bed, coaxed me onto it, and held me while I wriggled down on it to get it comfy.
Well, I’m a big girl, and the muzzle is made from thin, bendy plastic. I basically caved its face in, people. The muzzle fucking collapsed in on itself, and I ended up with a lopsided tongue digging into my labia in the most uncomfortable fashion. I flopped off, the Fella repaired the bear’s face, and we tried with me lying on my back while he held the bear against my vulva.
Nope.
Then I lay on my side with it between my legs so I could rock against it.
More nope.
I got itchy thighs, a load of wet fibres stuck to my flaps and in my urethral opening. What I didn’t get was the orgasm I had been on the cusp of when I hopped aboard the Teddy Love. It’s fur irritated the life out of me, the vibes pissed me off with their pointlessness, and for the first time EVER, I got up and walked away from a sex session in a massive huff. I left the Fella hanging. That’s a hugely negative reaction to have toward a sex toy, isn’t it.
Cleaning it is about as much fun as using it. It’s not waterproof, so I can’t chuck it in the wash like I do my non-sex cuddlies. I have to use wipes, then I have to fluff out the fur after it dries in clumps. Not that I have to clean it often. I used this thing once more, on my own, and after getting a similar result to the first time I decided that I didn’t want to go through it again.
I’d been so ready to really love this toy. It was something I could see appealing to furries, littles, or those who just like masturbating with cuddly toys. Something that could be left lying around, totally innocuous, drawing no attention from anyone other than its owner.
I dunno, it might still appeal to all of those people. They might care less about the vibes and the awful fur than they do about the fact that they have new a sex bear. But, not me. There really is not one positive I can think of with this toy. The next time it comes out of the cupboard will be when I write my end of year round-up in January. I’m sure you can guess what category it’ll be in.
If you’re still feeling like this teddy might be something you could love, click the image below and go check it out. It’s price very much reflects its quality, so make what you will of that.
