Have you heard of a company called Sistalk? Neither had I until they contacted me last year and asked me if I’d like to review one of their love egg/kegel trainers. I admit, I almost said no, but in the end, I decided to go for it. In recent weeks I’ve seen loads of reviews popping up for them and not reading any of them has been a killer. But, as always, I wanted to come to my own conclusions, so here’s what I think of the Sistalk Monster Pub Master Godzilla.
Before I say anything about it I want to invite y’all to scream with me. How cute is this lil’ dude?
I don’t know if it was a blogger promotion or if it’s something Sistalk do with all orders of their stuff, but I was sent a plushie Master Godzilla with my love egg. If there’s ever gonna be a way of getting on my good side, sending me merch would be it!
When I first saw the packaging for this toy it kinda felt like I was holding an actual toy. Like, a kiddie toy. It’s very sweet, very silly, and as much as my grumpy side wants to dislike it I can’t. I can dislike the shredded paper inside, though. I dunno why but don’t like it *shrug*.
My Master Godzilla is as cute as a bug. The rechargeable wee thing is made of matte silicone that has a very finely textured feel to it. It’s not as sandpapery as, say, Fun Factory silicone is but it’s definitely not silky smooth.
Size-wise, it’s quite a small love egg. From end to end it’s 4” with probably a shade under 3” being insertable. The last inch is taken up by the tail. As soon as I saw that I had a feeling that comfort was gonna be an issue. It’s a stretchy tail, but it doesn’t stay stretched. The second you let go it springs back to its usual shape, curling up in the direction of the clit. I wondered if this snug looking shape would lend the egg to penetrative sex, but I had a feeling that just wouldn’t be the case.
Running along the inner side of the Master Godzilla on both the insertable part and the tail is a series of hard little bumps. They’re not just to give this little chap character, they’re intended to offer a bit of extra stimulation. The egg itself has a maximum girth of 4.5” so like I said, overall it’s pretty small. On the back, there’s a plastic disc and I initially thought it was a charging port cover. My bad. It’s actually a pressure sensor…
Now, this thing isn’t just a basic pop it in and away you go love egg. I mean, you can do that, but it’s made to do more. Switched on by a button in the tail, you can either keep pressing to access the eight modes manually or leave it on standby so you can connect to the Monster Pub app. Yes, it’s app controllable. That made me a bit mad cos I don’t like apps, but it is what it is.
So, once you’re connected to the app you can either go straight in and use the Master Godzilla as a love egg, or you can access its other feature; kegel exercising. These are timed squeeze and release sessions that are followed by a ‘cool down’ period of deep breathing. There’s a real-time performance bar so you can see how well you’re doing as you’re doing it, and the app keeps track of your progress. I discovered that it gives you awards in the form of images saved directly to your device’s gallery. I didn’t know it did this until I was uploading the photos for this review from my phone to my laptop. I’m not sure why, but knowing it was doing things in the background without my knowledge made me uncomfortable.
So, first thing’s first; the vibes. I confess I expected them to be crud, so was super happy to discover that they’re not too shabby. There’s plenty of power there, and the quality is deep enough to give me a quick and easy clitoral orgasm. That’s where those bumps come in handy. Stroking those over the labia and clit feels good. The Fella likes these vibes, too. I’m a fan of the highest of three available constant speeds and he likes the patterns.
But that was all using it externally, and operating it via the button on MG’s tail. Going vaginal and using the app is a whole other story, and it isn’t a good one.
Firstly, the issue I predicted I’d have with the tail came to pass. Once the egg was inserted and the tail snapped back to its natural position, I had its tip stabbing me right in the urethra. I’m not sure if it was trying to actually penetrate it or if it was just sitting over it and digging in, but it fucking hurt either way. I was so tempted to whip it out and say fuck it, but I said I’d review it, so I toughed it out.
After a bit of waggling and finger placement, I finally got the Master Godzilla positioned comfortably. Then I pressed a button on the app. Nada. All I got was a message telling me to connect to the toy. I had already done that before insertion. The Fella had my phone about a metre away, so I asked him to come closer. Then closer. Then closer. The stupid app finally registered the toy when his knuckles were brushing my arse cheek. I’m not kidding, my phone was so close to the jaws of the beast it ran the risk of being swallowed.
So, vibes finally on, I discovered that the Master Godzilla does bugger all for me internally. All that lovely buzz that my clit adores is just lost in my black hole. Don’t get me wrong, I can feel it but it’s not nearly enough to be arousing. And the size isn’t nearly enough to feel filling. Also, the flick of that tail definitely does not allow for penetration of any kind, so there’s no grinding it into my g-spot to even see how it fares there.
The kegel app is a bit strange, too. I find that inserting kegel weights as high up as they’ll go and then letting them naturally settle lower works well for me. It gives me the best positioning and most effective exercise. With the Master Godzilla, I’m riding low from the start. I sat through the first session and, bizarrely, the pressure gauge didn’t pick up even one squeeze. It wasn’t until I pushed the egg further down then spent the next session sucking it back up and letting it fall again that the app knew I was even there.
What’s the craic? Have my years of kegelling been in vain? Have I been working out all the wrong muscles? Nope, I’ve been doing it right, it’s just a case of this product not being right for my anatomy.
Time for an Uncharacteristic Rant
I did get an email from Sistalk a short while back and in it was something I only half read. Why? It was basically telling me that there had been some complaints from users regarding the app and connectivity/pressure sensing. It said that if I – a vagina-haver for nearly 38 years – insert the toy in the ‘correct position’ I shouldn’t have the same problems. I mean, what? There is no correct position, Sistalk.
Each and every vaginal canal is different. The toy will sit differently, either higher, or lower, or further back, or right behind the pubic bone, or exactly where you believe is ‘correct’ but behind thick labia and between thick thighs. If the app is being a dick fix the app or fix the toy. Please don’t suggest that users (people who have had their vaginas far longer than you’ve been making toys) are getting it wrong. You may know your product, but we know our bodies far better.
So, what else is there to say about this wee beastie? Well, it’s waterproof so can be washed quickly and easily. It’s silicone so only use water-based lube. Oh, and there’s a storage bag included in the box, too, so you can keep your critter tucked away nice and safe.
In a nutshell, I do like the Master Godzilla, but as a clit vibe only. For that, it’s really good and the tail makes a great thumb hook for ease of use. Depending on your clit exposure situation, you could even hook it over your knicker elastic and use it hands-free. But as an internal vibe – not to mention a kegel exerciser – it’s just no good for me. Also, I hate the app.
If you’d like to find out if it could be better for you, click the banner below and go check it out. If Godzilla ain’t your thing there’s also an uber cute whale and a lil’ devil to choose from.