Okay, I’m about to contradict myself again. If any of you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen a comment I made recently, about reviewing. I said that, when products are awesome, it feels like my reviews almost write themselves. Well, I’m about to contradict myself, because as incredible as this Sheets of San Francisco Funsheet Plus Flat Sheet is, this review has proved difficult to get right.
I don’t know why. All the elements are there; great packaging, brilliant product, fantastic service from a fantastic company…I guess I’m just not that well versed in reviewing bed linens, lol.
But anyway, less of my short comings and more praise for this essential bit of kit.
Yeah, I did say essential. It’s not a word I use all that often in reviews, cos everyone’s needs are different. But when it comes to this Sheets of San Francisco piece, everyone who does anything connected to sex or sensuality, bondage or impact play can find a use for it.
Firstly, I’ll tell you a bit about the Funsheet itself. Even though they’re all pretty much the same thing, Sheets of San Francisco have a load of different products to choose from. Fitted sheets, flat sheets, pillow cases, Sybian covers, in black, white, and a bondage print, and all of it fluid proof. If none of their ‘off the shelf’ stuff fits your needs, there’s an option to customise your own! So, you with crazy massive bed, super thick mattress, or oddly sized sex furniture to cover…SoSF has your back.
As I said above, the sheet I opted for was the Funsheet Plus Flat Sheet. I chose this one for a few reasons. At the time, we had a super king bed, so I needed to cover that. Also, we don’t always play in bed. Sometimes we take our fun onto the floor, or the sofa. As much as I wanted to have a fitted sheet for my new (now broken) double bed, I went for absolute versatility.
And it’s everything I hoped it would be.
Measuring up at 7ft by 7ft 9”, it was more than enough to cover the entire surface of my super king mattress. It didn’t tuck in everywhere, but that was no biggie. It still covered everywhere there was potential for splatter.
More importantly, it not only covers the mattress I have now (double) but it’ll cover the one I’ll have soon, too. We’re getting a king-sized bed, and this sheet will envelope that mattress perfectly and completely. So, that’s any and all play that happens on the bed covered.
And then there’s sex downstairs. Sex on the couch used to be followed by an easy clean up when we had a leather suite. We loved playing on them cos they’re great for positioning and support, but switching to suede made sofa sex out of bounds. Cleaning jizz stains off suede is a fucking bad dream.
Enter the Sheets of San Francisco Funsheet. It covers both of my sofas just fine, protecting them from whatever the Fella and I decide to get up to. Sofa sex is back on the menu!
So, what are these sheets made out of?
Polyurethane and polyester. It’s a two-ply fabric, one side a soft woven, grey lining, the other a silky smooth, rubber feel. The black side is what you see during play. Now, I don’t personally think this feels like rubber. To me, rubber is clingy and draggy. When you move against it, it nips the skin. This sheet glides, even when wet, though I would never call it slippery.
At first, I wondered why it was called a fluid proof sheet. Because I’m a bit of a derp, I thought this was a lesser thing than ‘waterproof’. My mind went straight to ‘splash proof’ because I see it so much in this industry. But no, it’s fluid proof because no fluids at all can penetrate it.
Here are some of the things we’ve thrown at it:
Jizz, sweat, & saliva
Sex is a messy old business. I give spit soaked blow jobs. We get sticky and sweaty, and carry our drips from one end of the bed to the other. And I am, at the very least, a gusher. It happens even when I don’t want it to. After just a couple of minutes of vaginal penetration, I start leaking like a burst pipe. If my g-spot gets a good hammering, the shit goes everywhere. Usually, towels will get soaked through, and I’ll be left with fresh stains on my mattress that I have to scrub clean.
But using the Sheets of San Francisco Funsheet changed that. Now, I get to lie in a puddle of my own making with no fear of it lingering long after we’re done. Yep, my squirty fluids literally pool on the surface of the sheet, and they stay there until they get mopped up. I have had a few instances of tipping the mattress when rolling off and having jizz pour onto the carpet, but hey. You can’t win em all.
Massage Oils
Anyone who knows this blog knows I love massage. Cold oils straight from the bottle are ace, but even better is hot oil from a massage candle. We used to have to plan oily massages. When I knew it was happening, I’d get the towels out to cover the bed, then I’d put an old raggy sheet over the top to keep them in place. But, it was inevitable that slippery, hands on massage would turn to sex, and then we’d both be writhing around, fucking up the towels and having spilled oil soaking through the gaps and onto the mattress.
Now, our oily fun can be more spontaneous, cos all I have to do is whip out the Funsheet and fling it over the bed. It doesn’t matter what kind of oil we use, it doesn’t soak into the sheet. And nor does it stain! That’s a bloody miracle right there, cos we’ve killed so many sheets with oils.
Lubes
The same goes for lubes. Water-based lubes are fine, they wash out of everything without a trace. But silicone and oil based lubes are a different matter altogether. Some of them don’t stain regular sheets (good quality ones like Uberlube, for example), but most do. They leave grey marks on otherwise white sheets, and that looks awful.
But the Sheets of San Francisco Funsheet is impervious to them. They hit it and just…sit there. If there’s an incline, they roll, leaving a trail in their wake, but it isn’t a permanent one. As soon as I wash the sheet, the residue is gone.
Hot Wax
Just like the oils and silicone lubes, hot wax can do a right number on a bed sheet. It sticks, acts like a stubborn fucker when you try to pick it off, then leaves a grubby little mark when you do eventually remove it. And that’s just one drip. A full session of wax play can really make a mess.
But if you’re using a Funsheet, it literally flakes off. I just crumple the sheet a bit to loosen the wax, shake the bits off into the bin, then wash it. Simples.
Food
While neither of us would consider sploshing one of our fetishes, the Fella and I have been known to get a bit carried away when there’s gateau around. Or custard. Or ice cream, whipped cream, or Angel Delight. Okay, so I like wearing my food sometimes, I’m entitled.
Our mattress isn’t at risk from this kind of play cos we don’t take it upstairs, but those suede sofas I mentioned earlier? They’re just a few metres away from the dining table, so are firmly in the danger zone.
We’ve thrown the Funsheet over the sofa (and on the floor) a couple of times so we could get crazy with the cheese whizz, and it’s been a godsend. The massive surface area gives us plenty room to play, saving the soft furnishings from stains, and the joins in the laminate flooring from turning into a buffet for ants. And, even better than that, clean-up is ridiculously easy.
Cleaning & Storage
Scraping foods from Sheets of San Francisco products is effortless. It’s a bit icky once the fun is over, but all it takes is a few strips of kitchen roll that can go straight in the bin. Same thing goes with lubes and oils, etc. A quick wipe with paper towels, or an actual towel, and then you can do something amazing…
You can chuck your sheet straight in the washing machine.
Yep, it’s a machine washable, tumble dryable, wonder sheet. All it needs is your regular powder (I’ve not used softener cos I don’t think it’s necessary) in a 40-degree wash, then a cool tumble if you’re not keen on airing your clean sex laundry in public. Full instructions, with tips, can be found on the SoSF website.
How awesome is that, though? Your messiest playtimes, be they those I’ve mentioned or those I haven’t (I’m looking at you, piss players), all cleaned up and bunged in the washer in record time. Done and done. Beds, sofas, and carpets untainted by your messy ways.
Once it’s dry, it folds up super small, so is easy to store. Mine lives in the bottom drawer of the Fella’s bedside cabinet, much to his annoyance. Sex things have taken over all of our bedroom storage. Because it can be made compact, and because it’s so light (it really is almost weightless) it’ll be great to travel with, too. That means you can take your mucky play on the road, if you want to!
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SoSF have created what I believe could be the best indirect sex product available today. Though, I do see why the price could be a bit of a stumbling block for some. I mean, it certainly was for me. That’s why I didn’t have a Funsheet until I was sent one for review. I didn’t think I could justify the cost. But when I consider how many mattresses I’ve fucked up, how many hours I’ve spent cleaning sex stains off of things, and how many sheets have been thrown on the dust sheet pile, I have to say I feel like a fool. I could have saved a load of money if I’d just put a little away until I had enough to buy something from Sheets of San Francisco. It’s an investment worth making, and I wish I’d had the sense to do it.
If you’d like to get your mess all over something that won’t spark erotic memories because of visible reminders, click the banner below and go pick up a sheet.
