A couple of years ago, I stumbled across an online video of a pretty gal using a floppy, hollow dildo to shove a clutch of jelly eggs up in her own vagina. Once she’d crammed half a dozen of them in there, she squatted and laid ‘em on her bathroom floor. I’m not gonna lie, the sight of those little wibbly balls splodging on the lino made me nauseous. But times they do a-change. Fast forward to now and here I am, rolling up my sleeves and settling in to tell y’all how much I fucking adore my Primal Hardwere G’lorp Ovipositor.
Primal Hardwere is silicone sex toy maker in the US and they produce some pretty awesome stuff. Their niche isn’t dragons or merfolk, though, and it isn’t orcs or demons either. Nope, they cater to those who find their fetishes in the world of animals (yes, I do mean the canids and the equine) and in science fiction. Their G’lorp Ovipositor falls in the latter category.
So, first off, what is an ovipositor? Well, in nature it’s a tube through which some creepy crawlies and little fishies lay their eggs. A quick read up (cheers, Wikipedia!) informs me that some insects use their ovipositor to simply attach their eggs to a surface, but others use it to pierce or burrow in order to deposit their load inside of something…
Let’s face it, it’s not like this ever stood a chance of not being turned into a fetish for humans, is it? I mean, the majority of us have the whole ‘penetrate and drop a load’ down pat so, for the kinky minded, oviposition was always gonna amount to slippery fun times. And the Primal Hardwere G’lorp Ovipositor provides exactly that.
I have to give this thing top marks for being the most unusual looking piece on my dildo shelf. Everything about it is eye-catching, from the size to the colour to the waggling tentacles that sprout from its base. You don’t even have to look at the gaping hole that runs all the way through it to know that it’s not like the dildos around it.
G’lorp is the largest of Primal Hardwere’s ovipositors in every way, but only by a small margin. Its overall length is 12¼” and all but a single inch of that is insertable. Starting out super thick at the base, the shaft tapers down as it climbs towards the tip. At its thickest point it’s 8¼” in circumference, and at its slimmest, it’s a shade over 7”. Sounds like a biggie already, right? Well, it gets bigger. Depending on the size of the eggs you use with it, the shaft can swell to around 10¼”. If you like your insertables large and in charge, I don’t doubt that this one will satisfy.
Though the Primal Hardwere G’lorp is a one-size only affair that comes in a pre-determined silicone firmness, customising is still possible in the form of colour. Gothy Ella picked the combo this time, opting for a red shaft (a red which is delightfully named ‘Red Rocket’) with a black (Blackhole) base. All of it is shot through with red glitter which isn’t easy to pick up in a photo but looks so lovely to the naked eye.
Texture lovers have a lot to shout about with this ovipositor cos there’s a lot of it going on. Every part of the shaft offers something a bit different. Thick bumps that give the impression of a spine down the back. Vein-like craters near the base at the front that switch to soft ridges halfway up. The silicone is medium firmness and combined with the hollow nature of the shaft it’s soft enough to be squished yet firm enough for the textures to retain definition in use.
G’lorp’s tentacles are made of a firm silicone and on the rare occasion that I’ve taken the shaft in deep enough for e to feel them, they offer a very strange sensation. Some of them flatten against my thighs but other ones tickle and stroke in places I don’t expect to feel touch. I’d kinda thought they were only there for decoration, but I was wrong. They don’t do anything orgasmic, but they definitely add a bit of extra sensation to my play.
So, before I talk about using it, I should tell y’all about the eggs. With my package, Primal Hardwere sent me a bunch of moulds and an insertion tool. Said tool is a must, it makes getting the eggs all up in me so much easier. The moulds come in three sizes, the largest of which makes single eggs. Medium makes four eggs, and small makes fourteen.
I must confess that I actively avoided making my own eggs for ages. Instead, I opted to use silicone kegel balls and a fuck ton of lube. See, I knew in my gut that it was gonna be a pain in my arse and I was right. Using the smallest mould and gelatine leaves, I’ve only managed to get a perfect batch probably five or six times. They split in half every other time, including the ones I’ve made today for the purpose of this review. When I got them right though…dayum! The whole experience from insertion to expulsion was worlds apart from using silicone balls.
Primal Hardwere provided ‘recipes’ for getting the perfect egg from each size mould, but they call for powdered gelatine. For some reason, I’ve been unable to find any of that in any of my local supermarkets. All they have is the sheets. I don’t know if powder would yield better eggs, but I will find out one day.
As for egg insertion… that can be quite a task. Like I said, the G’lorp is quite a long thing, so I find the insertion tool vital. It stands alone, so resting an egg on top and inserting half a dozen before popping the shaft into my chosen orifice works best when I’m alone. And silicone is easier for me than gelatine. I’ve obliterated a couple of eggs by trying to get them in the shaft with the ovipositor in me. In hindsight, I kinda wish I’d picked a more solo friendly size. I’ll tell you why in a minute.
Around the time of my conversation with Primal Hardwere my fantasies were all about alien impregnation. I wanked to those fantasies and even spun one into a short story. So for me, getting my hands on the G’lorp was basically a form of fantasy fulfilment.
Used as a dildo, the G’lorp feels strange enough that I’m not sure I can properly describe it. Because the shaft compresses and opens again when I thrust it in and out, I get a sense of movement that feels kinda…organic? It doesn’t just feel like it’s yielding to my anatomy but interacting with it, you know?
The stretch is super dreamy right from the off and the textures work perfectly. I wish I could take more of it in vaginally so that I could get the most of every change in the surface. But I can’t, 7” is my absolute limit so I don’t get to feel the veiny part of the shaft. Anally I can feel it, but because I mostly use silicone balls, I can’t do anal. Yeah, almost every time I’ve successfully made gelatine eggs they’ve gone straight up my arse, as may be expected. It’s no big shakes cos they break down so are safe for anal insertion. Silicone ones categorically are not.
How to describe the sensation of having a clutch of gelatine eggs crowding up my vagina? It’s filling, for one. The way the shaft swells when an egg passes through is awesome and then the sense of it emptying into me is weird. After a few go in I can feel the shaft slipping and then once it’s out I automatically clench to old the eggs in. They don’t sit inside me like marbles in a bag, so I don’t know if this is psychological, but I get a sense of internal instability when I’m full. Like, if I bend over or squeeze hard, I can feel the eggs readjusting their position to fit.
It’s strange but hot. So fucking hot to know that my vag is full of little squidgy balls. In candlelight, naked and warm and letting my mind wander into fantasy, it all becomes even hotter. Especially if I’m not the one doing the actual insertion. Being fucked with such an unusual thing, being ‘impregnated’ with eggs and then, when I’m told to, laying them. Squeezing them out, feeling them emerge from inside of me and that last little pop before they slip out and bounce around my butt cheeks…ungh!! It does things to my mind that I didn’t expect.
While the Primal Hardwere G’lorp can get me to orgasm quite easily, coming hasn’t been my goal with it. It’s more about otherness and playing. About the fantasy and the visual and the mental effect. I absolutely love it, but I can’t say the same for the Fella. Unfortunately for me, he’s just not into it at all. Prior to the first time he was intrigued, but once we did it he was icked out. He played along for the sake of thorough testing and a few other times because it’s what I wanted, but the alien impregnation and egg laying thing isn’t for him. I wish it was, though, and I’m sad that it isn’t. This is the reason I wish I’d picked one that’d be easier to use on my own.
As ever, I dedicate the last part of my review to cleaning and storage. Because of the open hole and likelihood that you’re inserting, laying, then reinserting eggs, cleaning by boiling is a good idea. This sterilises the G’lorp inside and out. Storage…well. I store mine upright on a shelf, but I haven’t figured out how to keep shit off it. It’s a dust/pet hair/lint magnet and it’s forever fucking rotten. Did you notice the fuzz in the pics? Right before I took them, I washed the thing in soapy water, showered it, and let it air-dry in the bathroom. It draws in all the crap and clings to it, so however you store it, a good rinse before use will be necessary.
If oviposition sounds like something you’d like to try, click the Primal Hardwere banner below.