It’s Scandarella’s Big Dong Day! The day of my reviewing year that’s dedicated to big, bold silicone dicks. In 2017 I gushed about this creepy number, and last year things got a wee bit magical. This year? This year I’m playing around with massive myths, with not one but two dragon dildo reviews going live this week. The first of the two is the delicious Mr Hankey’s Dragon Dildo.
I’m no stranger to Hankey’s Toys, having reviewed their BFG and Seahorse dildos during 2018 while having the Dragon and one other dong (review coming soon!) waiting in the wings for this year. And do you know what? They’ve never failed to impress me. From first communication to delivery, every aspect of my Hankey’s experience has been positive. They’re a friendly bunch and super accommodating, which is a good thing given that they run a customisation service.
Yes, you can choose your weapon (and believe me, some of these big fuddermuckers truly could be used as clubs in a pinch) and you can make it your own. Before I go into detail about my choices, I think I’m gonna give y’all some unsolicited advice. Be very mindful of sizes and don’t shop when you’re hungry, cos your eyes might well prove to be bigger than your…yeah.
So, my Hankey’s Dragon Dildo.
It’s a beautiful piece of kit, that’s for sure. Beautiful and, in my case, intimidating. When I first whipped it from the box, the Fella looked at me like I’d lost my mind. He said, “Jesus, you look like one of those Facebook avis of blokes holding up massive fish. I’m gonna have visions of you shagging a giant cod every time you get it out now, for fuck’s sake.” Then he wandered off laughing and muttering ‘never gonna happen’.
That seemed a bit rude to me, but his doubt wasn’t entirely unfounded. I really have struggled to get the Hankey’s Dragon inside of me just as he predicted. And do you know what? I actually showed restraint when I made my selections.
After choosing your shape, the customisable options you have are:
- size (currently small to XXXL)
- silicone firmness (in some cases dictated by colour)
- colour
- base style (attachment hole or flat)
Size
As much as I wanted to choose the biggest Dragon dildo that Hankey’s had to offer, I decided to cool my jets a little and opted for the next size down. Even so, the XL is still a hulking 13.75” from tip to base with an insertable length of 12”. It’s long, sure, but that isn’t where my struggles lay. I’ve been there before with other Hankey’s dildos. No, my troubles stemmed from the girth. Around the top of this monster there’s 10” of girth. Around the middle that increases to 11” before tapering in to 9.75” near the base.
Firmness
Yeah. I’m quite familiar with it now but I’m still wincing a bit even just typing those sizes. See, I figured that, because of the length and my personal lack there of (I’m just wee, folks, with short little arms) I’d need the Hankey’s Dragon Dildo to have a certain degree of rigidity to it for ease of use. So I opted for medium firm silicone.
On one hand it does exactly what I wanted it to do; it stands up on its own and doesn’t try to bend in half during insertion. But on the other hand, it doesn’t have any give. Like, at all. If I squeeze it with my hand, I can feel a light squish but it’s very much a surface level squish. The thing is solid and completely unforgiving during use. That means very little cushioning from the off, and zero flex or give to accommodate my anatomy. No wonder it took me months and months to get it in me.
Colour
As I mentioned above, sometimes firmness is dictated by colour choice. There’s a basic range of flesh tones to be had, and the obvious black. Recently, I’ve noted some reds and blends cropping up on Hankey’s Twitter page, and then there’s the colour of my Dragon Dildo; metallic green.
I love this colour so much I’ve picked it for three different toys. There’s an almost golden shimmer to it, it’s pale and lovely and perfect for a dragon dong. Why? Cos scales look good in green.
Base
I opted for an attachment base for my Hankey’s Dragon, but in hindsight it was kinda pointless. For smaller sizes, attachment holes are handy to have, but their use is limited on the monster models. Attaching the bigguns to fucking machines is a bad call, as I discovered when the Dragon bent the arm of my already ailing machine and finished it off altogether. And I’ve discovered that the sheer weight of this thing makes it impossible to use with a horizontal suction cup on a wall or door. And I don’t need to use one to hold it to the floor either cos the weight keeps it down quite naturally.
Texture
Oh. My. Fuck. If you like a bit (okay, a lot) of texture with your fantasy dildos, you’re gonna love the Hankey’s Dragon. Every single inch of it has something going on, be it subtle or face smackingly intense. It really is a thing of beauty, folks.
The sides are covered in tendon-like waves beneath perfectly even, soft, tiny scales. Both the underside and front of the shaft boast thick, deep plates that showcase the armoured scales of a dragon beautifully.
And the head! Its ridge is bold, the glans is loaded with deep dips and channels, and if you look down the length of it from the tip there’s a definite reptilian look to it that’s almost unnerving. Bloody awesome, right?!
In use
But as beautiful as it is and as much as I wanted to fuck myself insensible with it, it took me ages to learn to take it. I knew from the off that I wasn’t getting it in my vagina. If there was more of a taper to the head I might have been able to do it, but no. It’s blunt and instantly huge.
I tried because of course I did, but it was a pointless exercise and it hurt. I won’t lie and say I didn’t come because I did. The discomfort combined with effort, frustration and mulishness got me off in the end, but it was hard won and not all that practical.
Anal Only
No, I knew that this would be another anal only toy for me. And that’s when the blunt head struck again. Every time I tried to insert it I felt like I got it an inch in and then hit a wall. I’d push, scrunch up my face, feel my anus stretch as I took another millimetre in. And then orgasm would come from nowhere to knock me on my back. I’d be pissed off, because once I’ve had such a powerful orgasm I have to stop. That meant game over, I’d have to try again next time.
Every time I tried again the same thing happened. The mega stretch ripped an orgasm from me and I’d have to stop. But each time I took a bit more inside of me, and I’d last a bit longer until, eventually, I could get six or seven inches in before coming. Then after a while I discovered that I could thrust, slowly at first, then a bit faster.
That’s when I started to really appreciate the texture. Jesus Christ, it’s awesome! The deep scales are intensely good if I concentrate on feeling each one. And as my orgasm starts to ebb I’ve learned that the deep lip at the bottom of the head does this little stretching flick if I pull it out slowly and that kinda reboots my climax.
One Con
I have to warm up with other big toys if I want to play this way, though. I don’t usually like warm ups, I like to choose a toy and let that be that, but it really is worth the effort in this case. If I had to find a negative in all this it would be the aftermath. My butt is left feeling like…well, like it just got fucked by an 11” thick scaly dragon dick.
It feels uncomfortable and raw, and as we’re probably already in TMI territory, I feel a little loose. Everything is back to normal within a day or so, but the discomfort is enough to make sessions with the Hankey’s Dragon few and far between. That means I have to get to know it all over again after a break, but again, it’s worth it.
Cleaning
Because it’s made of platinum silicone the Hankey’s Dragon Dildo is easy to keep clean. All of the usual silicone cleaning methods apply. Boiling, bleaching, dish washering. I clean mine in the bath cos it’s too big for my sink. Soapy water, a toothbrush for the fiddly bits, and two towels (one for the toy and one for the floor when I inevitably drop the heavy fucking thing and get water everywhere) is all I need. I do use an anti-bacterial toy cleaner every so often, though, just for peace of mind.
If you’re on the fence about trying a toy from Hankey’s I’d urge you to give them a shot. No, they’re not cheap, but good quality fantasy silicone dildos (especially in these bigger sizes) are an investment. Because they don’t have motors that can die, they last more or less forever. Just look after them and they’ll look after you.
If you’d like to add the Dragon to your collection, click the Hankey’s banner below.
