The thing I adore most about fantasy dildos is how different one is from the next. Realistic dongs are much of a muchness, differing only when it comes to size, but fantasy ones? There’s pretty much no limit to their designs, and they’re available in almost any size that takes a person’s fancy. Just yesterday I reviewed a smallish, beautifully coloured dragon dildo. And today? Today I’m at the other end of the scale, reviewing the coal black behemoth that is the Mr Hankey’s BFG.
When I told the Fella I had a toy called the BFG on its way he rolled his eyes and said, “Big Friendly Giant?” I put my hands about two feet apart and replied, “Nope. Big Fucking Genital.” Ha, you should have seen his face. The sizes of the dildos I lust after now make him so nervous, poor lad. So much so he didn’t even want to look at the toys in my Mr Hankey’s package when it arrived.
Of the two dildos this super friendly company sent me, the BFG is the smaller. You heard me right, I have a bigger one that makes my butt cry actual tears whenever I suggest we give it a go. But that’s chat for another review. For this review, I’ll tell you the sizes the BFG is available in, and which one I plumped for.
This particular design is currently available in 4 sizes with a 5th (extra small) landing sometime in the middle of May. For now, you can choose from medium, large, XL and XXL. When I look at a dildo on a screen or if I read the sizes in number form I always think, yeah, that’ll be alright. Naturally, my greedy body always wants the biggest one, but I thought it best to exercise some restraint when I saw that the largest BFG was over 14 inches tall. So, I picked the XL.
But even though I chose the next size down all I could think when I got my hands on the Mr Hankey’s BFG was, oh fuck.
From tip to base this big beastie measures up at 13 inches. That’s quite hilarious, really, given that my inside leg measurement is only 26 inches. Yep, this dildo is half the length of my leg.
The whole piece is made of a matte black silicone that has a super strong magnetic pull where anything fluffy or dusty is concerned. I’ve got to wash the thing twice before using it and twice before storing it cos can I fuck keep cat hair away from it. I have an all-white cat, too, so I’m sure you can imagine how sexy the BFG looks pre-clean.
Mr Hankey’s allows some customisation to their toys so when it came to silicone firmness I opted for medium-firm. Lengthy toys can be a bitch to insert if they’re super floppy, so I wanted to be sure that it wouldn’t just collapse when I put pressure on it. But at the same time, I didn’t want such a large toy to be so rigid it would be like having a bollard shoved up my butt.
Medium-firm leans more toward firm, in my opinion. There’s huge resistance when I try to compress it, but the upper two thirds bend this way and that with very little encouragement. It stands tall and proud, though, without sagging or toppling over.
The Mr Hankey’s BFG has a shaft to die for. There are sweeping, smooth sections to be had, and also heavily textured parts. And near the base there’s one helluva knot. Really, it’s big so if you’re into that (and able to take it all the way in) you’ll be in for a treat.
Around the head there’s a girth of 7.25”. The urethral split is swollen and exaggerated in two bumps that sweep back toward the frenulum which looks kinda muscled. In fact, the whole underside looks totally ripped. Once you reach the middle you’ll find the girth jumping up to 8.75”.
On the upper side, there’s a snake-like series of bumps that run the full length of the shaft, right over the knot and to the base. And the circumference at the knot is twelve…fucking…inches. Yep, a twelve-inch knot that’s enhanced by more of the muscular sculpting and a series of bold bumps on either side.
I need so much lube to play with this one. The silicone isn’t really that draggy but the size of it seems to either spread lube too thin or it dries it up altogether. So I use lashings of water-based lube, opting for a thick one for anal.
For me (and probably most folks on earth) a dildo of this length has limited vaginal use. My vaginal canal can take a maximum of 7” so nearly half of the Mr Hankey’s BFG is redundant. That’s not to say it’s not awesome, though, cos it is.
It’s a heavy piece so I find it easiest to stand it on a flat surface and ride it. Its weight keeps it mostly still and I can’t lift it very well with my kegels, so I get to play as hard as I like without worrying about constant pop outs or slips. I get all the things I love from that first seven or so inches. A nicely pointed head with soft nubs that pound away at my cervix. Texturing that stimulates my walls and vaginal opening, whether I thrust straight or stay still and twist my hips. And stretch. Ten inches of it right at my opening where I crave it most.
Anally, the story reads slightly differently. I wish I could say I can squat over it and swallow the entire thing whole but that’s not the case. I can reach the knot without too much drama but once I hit it there’s a bit of work involved. I’ve only taken the knot a couple of times and the warm-up took upward of forty-five minutes. It knacked, I had a wee cry, I said I was unprepared and I was hurting myself but good God, I came so hard I couldn’t wait to do it again.
When the Fella plays I mostly ask him to stay shallow with it because great things happen when he does. He can see what he’s doing so he manages to give me one of my fave things with killer accuracy. Penetrating me until the coronal ridge just passes inside then pulling back again. I get the pop of insertion over and over and it just fucking ends me.
After he’s done with that he goes a bit deeper, but rather than thrusting he pulls the base back and that pushes the head forward. This puts loads of pressure on my g-spot and I get an extra full, extra stretchy sensation in my butt. Heaven, people. It’s heaven.
One of the options I forgot to mention is the base. No matter what you choose it’ll be harness compatible, but you can also opt for either a flat base or a Vac-U-Hole base. I went for the latter with dreams of using the dildo with my fucking machine, but unfortunately said machine is fucked. It’s no biggie, though, cos I really do think the weight of this dildo would have bent the crap out of the thrusting arm. It’s just that big.
As I mentioned earlier, keeping this thing clean is a nightmare of biblical proportions. I had to wash it three times while I took the photos for this review. I was in my tiled and floored bathroom where there’s very little dust or lint.
That said, while keeping it dust free might be a chore, keeping it sterile is not. As it’s good quality, solid silicone, it can be cleaned with something as simple as soap and water, or you can go for a deeper clean and boil it or use a 10% bleach solution. I don’t even know how best to store it for cleanliness purposes. Mine is in the toy cupboard and still comes out looking like it’s been frolicking in the bottom of the cat tree. Just be sure to store it on its own or with other silicone toys to prevent reactions. The grunge you’ll just have to live with.
If you like to look of the BFG but the size puts you off don’t despair. Even if the medium isn’t your idea of a good time, you can always keep an eye out for the launch of the extra small. But if you’re size royalty and want to go straight in for one of the bigguns, click the banner below and pay Mr Hankey’s a visit.
