Every person on this earth has their vices. Be it smoking, drinking, or my own personal vice of nibbling on sweet things while I’m cooking meals, we all have something we do in excess that we know probably shouldn’t.
The Fella is no different to the rest of us, and his vice has long been gambling. Unlike his dad, he isn’t one to have just a flutter on the gee gees, though. No, he’s more of a table games man, and he’s rarely happier than when he’s in a casino, either standing by a roulette wheel or sitting around a poker table.
That passion he has usually leads to poker related Christmas and birthday gifts from family and friends, and it also led to me clapping my hands with glee when I was given the opportunity to review the Lingox Poker Spade Edition Masturbator for the fabulous Sex Toys UK.
Personally, I dislike gambling as it’s one of the more dangerous vices a person can have, but I have to say that I really like how the Lingox Poker Masturbators are presented. They come in a cardboard tube which is printed to look like a stack of poker chips. I knew the Fella would love it, and I was right. He said the Lingox branding reminded him of the Rolling Stones logo, so that got a thumbs up, and the little ‘ALL IN’ pun really tickled his funny bone.
Popping the lid and slipping the stroker out of the tin gave us both quite a surprise. I’d already commented that the tin itself was small, but the sleeve is even smaller again. It’s only 4 inches in length, so even a penis that’s smaller than average is gonna come popping out of the end with each and every thrust.
I commented that this would make my cock sad if I had one, cos I’d only be getting half the sensation, but the Fella felt different. He reckons that if he had a slightly smaller than average penis, it might give him a little boost to find his glans bursting from the end of a stroker. Then he pointed out that it’s stretchy enough to accommodate a shaft twice its length, and I felt like a bit of a turkey for letting that escape me. Some reviewer I am, lol.
So, like I said, you get 4 inches of squishy, red ‘Re-evolution SKIN MATERIAL LINGOX’ as it says, quite literally, on the tin. I looked through their site to see if I could find out exactly what that is, but all I could find was a little section in their FAQ’s saying “Lingox has created an exclusive and secret unique formula…” along with claims that it’s paraben, latex, and toxic plastic free. It also mentions that it does contain antibacterial & antimicrobial agents, as well as ‘aroma’.
That ‘aroma’ is a familiar scent to me. It smells kinda like a long opened box of jelly babies, just like the other skin-feel masturbators we have, and those are all made from TPR. All this ‘secret formula’ crap is far too Krusty Krab like for my tastes. I want to know what stuff is made of, and if you want me to put it in my body – or this case on my love’s body – you really should be more transparent.
So, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s TPR as far as I’m concerned, and we proceeded accordingly – it went nowhere near my mouth or vulva.
The Lingox Poker Spade Edition Masturbator is actually quite cute. It not only smells like a jelly baby, but it feels a bit like one too, though much squishier. The outside carries on with the stack of poker chips design, and the opening is a sweet little spade. That spade opens up into a penetrable canal that’s triangular in shape. I’ve not seen a stroker like this before, they’ve all been round or oval. This unique shape supposedly offers the user ‘different degrees of pressure’ than a standard canal would.
Turning the stroker inside out wasn’t the most exciting thing I’ve ever done. The Fella said he was hoping to see deep ribs, or different sized nubs, or zigzags, or spikes… he was expecting to see something that excited him. But what we were faced with made even my imaginary cock feel bored to tears. All there is, is a thin spiral that runs the length of the canal, and it isn’t even 4 millimetres high.
Well, we weren’t spurred into action by that, so it took us a while to fit it into our play, and even then it was a case of, “It has to be reviewed, so we should use it,” and not “Yay, let’s use that one!”
I did all the things the Fella needs me to do to get his cock to wake up, and once he was ready, I grabbed the handy little sachet of Lingox lube that came in the tin and squeezed a bit on his hand, and the rest into the canal. While he stroked himself, I gave the masturbator a few squeezes to spread the lube, then positioned it at the tip of his cock. It slipped on easily, stretching to accommodate his girth no problem, and I got to work.
First I used it just around his glans, rolling it, putting pressure on the back around his frenulum, doing my best to see if that inner spiral did anything for him at all. He wrinkled his nose and said he couldn’t feel it, so I suggested we stop, but he shook his head and soldiered on.
I soon moved to stroking the entire length of his shaft, trying not to giggle when his glans kept popping out of the other end. I kept going until he came in his usual messy fashion, and after he gave me my turn, I asked what he thought.
“It’s no different from anything else we’ve tried so far. It does feel nice, but then it feels nice when you do that with just your hand. Plus, it’s made from that death material you keep harping on about, so you couldn’t give me head while you were using it. I don’t like toys that limit what we do, they should add to it or complement it, so if it’s a choice between this toy and no toy, I’d prefer your hand and your mouth.”
And when I asked him if it’s something he would pick up and use if I wasn’t around?
“To be honest, no. I’d more than likely choose something long enough to encase more of my cock so I wouldn’t have to fuck around stretching it or using two hands. And I’d want more texture if I was on my own too, make it a bit more exciting.”
So there you go. The Fella isn’t all that keen on the Lingox Spade Edition Masturbator.
But his opinions aside, it does have a couple of pros:
- At around the £15 mark it’s as cheap as chips, so it isn’t going to break the bank if you fancied buying one.
- It can be used solo but is easily incorporated into play with a partner.
- It’s a multiuse stroker, provided you clean it carefully: give it a thorough washing in soapy water and rinse well, allow to completely dry and then dust with cornflour before storing somewhere dust and lint can’t find it.
Seriously, don’t buy proper renewers, they’re a complete rip off. Sprinkle a little cornflour in a ziplock bag, whack in your dry stroker, seal it and give it a shake. Make sure you wash the powder off before use, cos if you don’t you’ll just end up making a cock sauce out of your lube.
If I was one of those blogs that gave ratings, this masturbator would weigh in at 6/10, and most of that score would be because it looks good. I guess it’s okay for what you pay, but I know there has to better products around that don’t cost a lot more. When I find one, I’ll be sure to let you know. In the meantime, if you want to give one a shot, you can purchase one here.
The Lingox Poker Spade Edition Masturbator was sent to me by Sex Toys UK in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influences my opinions, which are now, and will forever be, my own. Affiliate links have been used in this post.