LELO Alia External Massager Review

If you ask anyone who is into sex toys to name a luxury brand, there’s a good chance they’ll say LELO. While they may have fallen out of favour in recent years, their products remain global best sellers. Personally, I’m a fan. I’ve enjoyed most of the products of theirs that have come my way, and I really hoped that my latest one, sent to me by my awesome sponsor Crimson Princess, would be another hit. Check out my thoughts on the LELO Insignia Alia to see how that went.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, image showing the Alia's black packaging with a picture of the purple toy on the front

One thing I don’t think I’ll ever be able to call fault with when it comes to LELO is their presentation. Their packaging is sleek, attractive, and useable. They provide everything you need to get started: lube sachet, a plugged pin charger that’s universal to all of their toys, and a storage bag. Oh, and a little code bearing card that lets you register your product and activate the 12-month warranty, 10-year quality guarantee.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, image of the sex toy in its black box LELO Alia External Massager Review, image showing contents of box: Alia massager, mains charger, storage bag, sachet of lube, info leaflet and warranty card

And then there’s the toy itself. The LELO Alia is a lovely looking thing. Its egg-shaped body is part rosy silicone, part gold coated ABS plastic. The two golden inserts – one on each flattened side of the toy – have holes moulded into them, thus providing a finger-ring for the user. I find that my middle finger slips nicely through this hole when I play. This puts my thumb directly over the controls. For me, that’s a blessing and a curse in any toy cos, on one hand, I obviously want the buttons to be easy to reach. But on the other hand, I’m forever pressing them by accident and fucking up my stride. Not much can be done about it, though, cos the buttons have got to go somewhere and there isn’t much surface to this toy at all, really.

The LELO Alia is a nice size, fitting comfortably in the fingertips of a lightly clawed hand, with the edge resting on the pad beneath my thumb. From end to end it measures 3.5”, and it’s 2.5” wide and 1.5” thick at its chunkiest. It’s lightweight, but the weight it does have is all in the narrower end. That draws it toward the body and puts a bit of natural pressure behind the toy. Because it’s such a hard thing (the silicone is lovely and smooth but spread thin) this makes friction stimulation almost effortless.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, image showing the Alia on its side to display buttons

As I already mentioned, the controls are always within easy reach. Three buttons pressed into the silicone with raised symbols to denote what they do. Plus for switching it on and increasing vibes, a toggle button for changing the modes, and minus for decreasing the vibes and switching off. They give you access to six patterns, each one customisable to the tune of ten intensities.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, purple silicone vibrator with gold plastic inserts

The first thing I noted about the LELO Alia when I switched it on was that the vibes are very concentrated in the tapered end of the toy. Around the wider end, where the charger pinhole is located, I could barely feel anything at all. The sides do carry the vibes, but they feel quite dull even to my fingers. Yep, all the action is in the tip.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, close up of the Alia's tip

Not that there’s much action. This piece isn’t my first from the Insignia line, so I thought I had a good idea of what to expect. I’ve liked all those other bits and have been happy enough with the vibes, but there’s a weakness here that doesn’t live up to my expectations. And I don’t just mean my expectations of LELO, but my expectations from a toy with such a high price tag.

Like I said above, there are ten intensities on offer here, but the first five of them are neither use nor ornament. Two of them are softer even than the starting vibe, you have to press the minus button to access them.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, vibrator in a woman's hand to give an idea of size

When I crank the LELO Alia up to its highest speeds and stroke it over my body, I shiver. My back, shoulders, and neck adore a featherlight touch as much as a heavy one, and this toy gives me the exact fingertips barely brushing skin sensation that I love. It tickles, makes me try to wriggle away and push deeper into it at the same time. As a body massager, it’s aces.

But as a clit vibe it blows. The tickly vibes titillate and tease, they arouse, but they do not gratify. My clit nearly always ends up wanting more power, vibes that travel deeper. I’m not saying I can’t come using it because I can, but there are caveats. The main one is that I must have penetration in order to reach orgasm. Like, nine times out of ten when using the LELO Alia I need a dildo or butt plug. And that one time out of ten where I can come with just clit stim? After a prolonged spanking, or prolonged edging, or days without having an orgasm.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, vibrator with charging pin plugged into its base

If this was a £30 vibe, I’d say it was ace, cos orgasms on the cheap are likely welcome in everybody’s pants. But it’s not, it’s near enough £100 and so considered a luxury sex toy. I used to assume that a fat price tag meant a guaranteed orgasm, though I’ve learnt differently over the years. But back when I still believed that I’d have been crushed by the very battles I have to endure in order to get off. No, it shouldn’t give me instant orgasms, but it should at least have the power behind it to warrant its cost. LELO is a good name in the sex toy world, but not that fucking good.

LELO Alia External Massager Review, egg shaped purple slicone massager on a pink Valentine's background

And now for a brief bitch about cleaning. Man, these plastic inserts in sex toys are the Devil’s work. They might look pretty and shiny, but they’re an abomination when it comes to hygiene. Especially the ones on the LELO Alia, cos not only do you get a crusty ring between the plastic and silicone if you’re not vigilant, but you also have to remember the join inside of the hole. Yeah, there’s a channel in there, too, and it gets full of gunky shit. Getting something in there to clean it is a nightmare, so a sex toy toothbrush is a must. Though in my efforts to clean mine I’ve managed to scuff a portion of the gold down to bare plastic, so steady as you go.

For me, this LELO offering was a miss, but that doesn’t mean it will be for you. If your sensitive clit is all about the softer vibes, or the surface level ones, you’re onto a winner. This could be the perfect luxury sex toy for you. And if you like body tingling vibey massages all about your person, you might get along just fine. But if you’re after power, deep, juddering vibes, or something that doesn’t make your wallet look like it hasn’t eaten in a year, you’re better off looking elsewhere.

If you’d like to give it a go, click the Crimson Princess banner below.

LELO Alia Review, Crimson Princess logo, white text and a gold crown on a black background

The LELO Alia External Massager was sent to me by Crimson Princess in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influences my opinions, which are now, and will forever be, my own. No affiliate links have been used in this post.

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