If you’ve been with me for a while, you’ll know that I attended Eroticon (a sex writer’s conference in London) earlier this year. What an awesome, eye-opening, educating weekend that was! I learned so much, met some lovely people, did a bit of fangirling, and got all excited about a few prototypes of products that were being released in the autumn. Well, autumn is now here, and one of those products is in the house! I’m gonna tell y’all about one of my most anticipated toys of the year; the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee.
If you’ve never heard of Hot Octopuss, you’re missing out. Well, if you have a penis you are, at least. They’re the inventors of the Pulse range – or Guybrators, as they’re commonly called. Vibrating, pulsating masturbators intended to take even the humblest of cocks to seventh heaven while giving any visiting clits a cheeky treat at the same time.
The thing that sets the Pulse stuff apart is the PulsePlate. Rather than vibrate, it oscillates, and that produces a unique rattly, shaky, pulsing sensation that pretty much batters the user’s sexy bits into orgasmic submission.
The Fella loves his Pulse III Duo, and to be honest, so do I. It’s the only toy that’s ever made me truly jealous of the bepenised. After the Queen Bee was announced, I was beyond pumped by the idea of having of my clitoris having a PulsePlate of its very own. When I got to hold a working one in my hand at Eroticon I was blown away. Seriously, waiting half a year to get one in my crotch has been a fucking killer.
So, when mine arrived, expectations were high.
Hot Octopuss is a British Company, and their patriotism is heavily represented in their packaging. Glossy, yet classy and simple, and no hint gendering in sight. Inside sits the Queen Bee, a USB charger, a satin storage bag, and an info booklet.
Okay, first thing’s first. I was unbelievably disappointed to find that the Queen Bee has been finished with TPE. Not only did I expect more from a product with a £100+ price point, but also from Hot Octopuss in general. They’ve always seemed so committed to body safe materials, with their Guybrators being made in lovely silicone. The Fella argued that, as it’s not insertable, it’s not such a big deal, but to me it is. I don’t like that it’s TPE. And I don’t like that the plastic trip that separates both sides is a bitch to clean. I wanted solid, and I wanted truly body safe materials. Humph!
Bits of grime, even after a good clean
Anyway, what the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee is, is exactly what people like me asked for. A clitoral focused toy with PulsePlate action. It’s been called a wand but is shaped more like a hairbrush. The PulsePlate is found on one side at the top, and the controls on the reverse side, in the handle.
The TPE outer layer has different textures, depending on which side you’re on. The PulsePlate side is completely smooth with a diamond pattern in the hard plastic beneath it. Flip it over, and the other side – which offers very mild vibration for those who want a break from the more aggressive pulses – has that same diamond pattern on the TPE’s surface. I dunno, it kinda reminds me of a cheese grater. Being called the Queen Bee, I would have thought a honeycomb pattern would have made more sense, but hey, maybe that’s why I’m not a designer.
So, to charge the Queen Bee, you have a magnetic charger. It has a good connection and a reasonably long cable (nearly 40”) so I don’t hate it as much as I hate other chargers of this type. The first charge takes around four hours, and I haven’t actually flattened it yet, so I’m not sure how much playtime it offers.
The controls are simple enough, with buttons for On/Off, increasing (+) and decreasing (–) speeds, and one to access the built-in modes (O). Yep, you get patterns with the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee. Six of ‘em, and each one is subject to the seven intensities. So, you can tailor your experience to whatever gets you off.
Before I talk about my experience with this one, I have to mention the noise. Jesus Christ! If you have a Queen Bee, your neighbours are gonna know about it. It’s the most ridiculously loud sex toy ever. I’m not shitting you, it’s astonishingly loud. The Fella knew I was using it in the bedroom, even though he was in the garden. The fucking garden, people, the man was outside and he could hear me wanking! I didn’t even have the window open, but he could hear it regardless. It’s not one I can use when my kid is in the house, no matter what time of day it is.
Now, it’s time to talk about how it worked for me.
Umm, this is gonna be hard, because even though I absolutely love – could die for – the feelings the PulsePlate feeds into my clitoris, I don’t have much positivity for the Queen Bee.
Where it fails for me, is its size. Or rather, the constant battle its size faces from my labia. See, they’re large and a bit obnoxious when it comes to getting in the way of masturbation. My clit is buried probably an inch beneath them. Obviously, I want the head of the Queen Bee to touch my clit, but I have to do some serious squishing with my free hand, just to get access. I’m sure you can imagine the struggle that goes on with something like that.
But even when I manage to get that sorted, I have another issue. The head is 3-inches wide by 4-inches long, with a 0.75-inch border all around the PulsePlate. The area above my clit isn’t 0.75-inches, it’s less. So, the part that touches my clit, is the border, not the plate itself.
And that’s not all…When I do get my flaps flattened and the PulsePlate mashed against my clit, it’s also mashed against the rest of my vulva. For me, that spreads the stimulation over too wide an area and greatly reduces its impact. I don’t feel like I’m having my clit stimulated, I feel like I’m having my vulva (super swiftly) slapped by a plastic paddle. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pleasant, but not the orgasmic experience I crave from the Queen Bee.
You might be wondering how I know I love the way the PulsePlate feels against my clit if it’s proving hard for me to actually get the two to meet. The answer to that is the Fella, or more specifically, his hands. If I keep my labia under control with both hands, he’s able to get a connection with my clit ridiculously easily. And once it’s on there, I basically come until I cry.
The Hot Octopuss Queen Bee is so powerful, so fucking intense, I could easily hate how strong my orgasms are as much as I love it. If you’re into forced orgasm – we are – then the PulsePlate could well be your new best friend. It’s different from everything else, and so are the orgasms it provides. It’s up there with mains-powered wands, in my opinion, though again, the orgasms are still different.
If there had been less border (or if I had less flappage) I know I’d have loved the fuck out of this thing. It has everything I wanted in terms of power, I just really dislike the shape and how it clashes with my anatomy. I’d love to see a more streamlined version one day, so I’ll have one eye on Hot Octopuss to see what they come up with next.
For the record, it isn’t just for clits, either. The Fella comes hard with the Pulse III Duo, but with the Queen Bee? He comes in a maximum of 15 seconds, and it isn’t a quick dribble of an orgasm that’s over as quickly as it came, either. Cum rockets out of him. Right over his chest and in his face. And it keeps oozing out until he slaps my hand away and tells me (and I quote), ‘fucking pack it in, man, it’s gonna fall off!’. So, if the cock hugging design of the Pulse products doesn’t tickle your fancy, maybe check out the Queen Bee.
If you want to give it a go, click the banner below and pick one up from Lovehoney.