I received something in the post a few weeks ago that’s very different to norm. Well, the norm for me, at least. I’ve had my bottom walloped with many a spanking paddle, but in terms of simplicity and efficiency, nothing has been quite like this. What is it? A Funkit Toys Acrylic Layered Paddle.
Funkit Toys is an online store that’s packed to the rafters with handmade, body safe sex toys and impact toys. The entire operation is run by a lone individual. Yep, Kenton makes all the gorgeous silicone humpy stuff and all of the sleek hitty things personally.
When we agreed I’d review something I had no idea what Kenton would send. All I knew was that an impact toy would be selected and sent to me. It arrived SO fast. Less than a week from the US to the UK. Fabulous!
I have to be honest and say that, when I first opened the package, I wasn’t bowled over by what I pulled out. It just looked so plain and uninspiring, and reminded me of a plastic knife my kid made at school (I shit you not, he really did make some kinda cleaver and a couple of stabby things one of the Ninja Turtles runs around with).
Anyway, that aside, the Acrylic Layered Paddle is available on the Funkit website with customisable options. You can choose from between 2 and 6 layers, and you can also take your pick from the following six colours; red, orange, blue, green, yellow, and black.
Kenton sent me the 2 layer option, and the colours are red and blue.
As simple as it is, the paddle is really well made. Perfectly pressed together, those layers aren’t parting company any time ever. Each edge is nicely rounded and well smoothed with no nasty rough bits to be seen. The shape reminds me so much of a cleaver I can’t look at it without my internal alarm bells ringing, and isn’t that a fabulous way to start a session of psychological spanky mind fuck.
Size wise, you’re looking at 14” in total length, around 5.5” of that being handle. The spanking surface measures up at a shade over 8.5” long and 1.75″ wide. I’ve smacked a pillow with it a few times and it’s an unusual one to wield because it’s so slim. The handle is just 5mm in depth with a width of one inch at the widest point. I thought it was awkward and uncomfortable to swing, but the Fella assures me that there’s very little difference between using this paddle and using a ruler.
That statement scared me, because the number of acrylic rulers I’ve snapped in the past year is beyond a joke. But as slender as it is, the Acrylic Layered Paddle is, without a doubt, one solid sonofabitch. There’s pretty much no flex to it at all, so when it hits the body there’s very little bounce back. It lands with a definite, unescapable thwack and I totally hadn’t expected that it would.
As unassuming as it looks, this paddle is a twat. It’s strange, because in the seconds after the initial smack landed I was disappointed. Then the heat came, followed by surface sting. Each strike built on that, creating that deep ache inflexible spankables are so good at providing. The reddening of a good arse paddling lasts for ages, and the bruising is pretty to look at.
I’ve discovered that I hate it for two things, though; nipple and pussy spanking. It hurts so fucking much I end up making the Fella either move on to butt and thigh spanking only, or I ask him to use something else. That’s nothing to do with the paddle, though, it’s my body that causes those halts.
A few things did occur to me that would have made the overall appearance of the paddle a bit more appealing and safer too. A wrist strap of some variety to stop it going flying if there’s a grip slip would be good, as would some kind of adornment. A shop logo, a chosen word, a pretty picture. The versions with more layers can be beautified by opting for rainbow colours, but the two layer ones are a bit too plain.
That said, plainness doesn’t detract from the paddles functionality or how it feels in use. The Fella tells me it’s simple to wield and he likes how effective it is, and from the point of view of a bottom’s bottom, it’s fucking ace.
If you’d like to try one of these paddles click here. If you’re in the USA the price you see is what you pay. Peeps in Canada need to add $5 on to the displayed price, and folk throughout the rest of the world need to add $10. That means if I’d bought this particular paddle it would have cost me $20, which is about £20 in the current shitty financial climate. I joke, it’s around £16 + a few pence, but I wasn’t far off.
The Acrylic Layered Paddle was sent to me by Funkit Toys in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influences my opinions, which are now, and will forever be, my own. No affiliate links have been used in this post.