It’s a good job that I was never gonna get past St Peter at the pearly gates of Heaven, cos if I’d had even half a chance after getting jiggy with this sweet thing last year, well… I’ve quite literally fucked it. Please, don’t pray for me, it was my own doing. I aimed for peak sex toy depravity and I damn well hit it with the Divine Interventions Jackhammer Jesus Dildo. And do you know what? I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.
When I got my first taste of sex toys back in the late 90s, nearly everything was ‘flesh tone’ and anatomical. If I was shopping back then with my current experience, I would have had to narrow stuff down by size and texture. But today, sex toys have become an art form, so now I shop with my eyes as well as the preferences of my orifices.
An interesting, unusual, or outrageous toy will always claim my attention before anything else, and the Jackhammer Jesus is one of the few toys I have that can claim to be all three. No, it isn’t one for the easily offended (or the devoutly religious), but for those its aesthetic appeals to, it’s a fantastic piece to add to a collection. It has shock value, kink appeal, it can feed a fetish or even disturb. And to top all that off, it’s delightfully fuckable.
As ever, I was surprised by its size. I either under or overestimate sizes and I think I will forever. Numbers on a screen just don’t translate well for me. At first I was a bit dismayed cos the box the Divine Interventions Jackhammer Jesus came in seemed small. It made me expect the dildo to be midi-ish, so I was super pleased when I whipped it out and found it to be a respectable size.
Its dimensions are:
- Overall length – 9¾”
- Insertable length – 7½”
- Width at crossbar – 4”
- Girth at base of shaft – 4¾”
- Girth mid-shaft – 5”
- Girth of head – 5”
This size dildo is getting to be my fave for vaginal penetration. It’s deep enough to find the end of my vaginal canal, which is something I personally enjoy. Some folks get a bit exasperated with the idea of penetration that brings insertables in hard contact with the cervix, but that kind of stimulation works for me. Not every day, but definitely often. I get that easily from the Jackhammer Jesus.
Because of its length vs my own, I get a couple of inches of toy left outside of me. And because of the dildos crucifix shape, I get a brilliant handle in the form of the crossbar. I didn’t realise that I wanted this kind of handle until I had it. It’s perfect to hold onto, it makes it easy to thrust as fast and hard as I like without my fingers slipping or cramping. Also, it makes it super simple for me to use the dildos flexibility to bend and angle it during use.
Though it’s flexible, the Jackhammer Jesus isn’t really a soft dildo. There’s a little bit of give when I squeeze it but other than that it’s quite firm. Not even the sculpted Jesus is squishy, and do you know what that makes him? Texture.
He’s actually quite detailed if you really look at him. You can make out his hair, his abs (I shit you not, JC is ripped!) and his wee loincloth. There’s even a bit of a face on there if you look closely. Not too closely, though. Dude’s got eyes and you don’t wanna risk seeing judgement as you stuff his legs inside your body. Teehee.
In seriousness, those legs and that defined torso is where most of the Jackhammer Jesus’ texture comes from. The shaft isn’t devoid of texture, though. The head, for instance, is smooth but it boasts a secondary bulge directly beneath it. That makes for some lovely sensation around the vaginal (or anal) opening.
Flip it over and you’ll see soft, thick ribs running down the back of the shaft. They look subtle but they can feel quite intense in use, especially as they’re deeper on the shaft’s sides. When you get to the man himself, adding a twist as you thrust brings the contours of his body shape into play. This may be intense for some, indistinguishable for others.
I personally feel texture quite well for probably an inch and a half, maybe two into my vagina. After that, texture needs to be obnoxious to do me much good. Anally, though, I’m super sensitive and can feel even lighter textures pretty easily.
Yes, I am saying that I put three-quarters of Jesus’ body up my butt. Basically, if a toy is anal safe it’s going in there, and the cross shape makes the Jackhammer Jesus an ideal candidate.
For me, arousal is always kicked up a notch with this dildo. I find the wickedness of fucking a religious icon, even one made for that purpose, extremely thrilling. Masturbation isn’t naughty, sex toys aren’t naughty, so adding something that probably is naughty is a major turn on. There’s an edge to the arousal that feels illicit and that has me a few clicks closer to orgasm right from the off.
Once I start to play, this dildo gets a good hammering. Or should I say, I get a good hammering? Either way, I love being able to grip the crossbar and fuck myself into oblivion. My favourite way to use it is with Jesus facing down, which puts his face right in front of my butthole, poor fucker. Putting pressure on the shaft does two things as I thrust:
- It angles the head, which is ever so slightly curved and almost pointed, right at my g-spot and rubs it steadily, or it thuds the tip into the deepest part of my vag, depending on how far in I thrust
- It drags Jesus’ legs over my perineum and vaginal opening, providing maximum stimulation for those areas
That all results in some lovely, deep-reaching orgasms, proving that the Jackhammer Jesus isn’t just a novelty. It’s a properly functioning, body safe silicone dildo that delivers.
I really love this thing so much. It’s never seen the inside of my toy cupboard or even a toy box. Once I’ve washed it in a sink of warm, soapy water, it goes in one of my bedside drawers. Every single aspect of it is awesome and I’m so chuffed to have it in my collection.
If the religious mischievery isn’t your thing, worry not. You can feed your wicked side with a devil dildo, or your inner goth with a grim reaper. And if fucking JC on his cross is kinda tame in your opinion, you could always check out the Baby Jesus butt plug. Just so you know, that piece isn’t my thing. Even my unholy nature has its limits, lol.
If you’d like to add this dildo to your collection, click the Divine Interventions banner below.
The Divine Interventions Jackhammer Jesus was sent to me by Divine Interventions in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influences my opinions, which are now, and will forever be, my own. No affiliate links have been used in this post.
