You may or not know this, but when I first launched Scandarella I had a list. It was a short list, and on it was six items; three dildos and three vibrators. They were the sex toys of my dreams, the cream of products I wanted to try then review for my blog. And the holy grail on that list was the Bad Dragon Tentacle.
Oh my God, I fucking wanted it. Every time I looked at it -which was often – I’d imagine how amazing it would be to have it and to use it. But living in the UK meant that I’d have steep postage costs (not to mention shitty customs charges) to contend with on top of the price of the dildo itself. It was looking like my dreams of silicone tentacle sex would remain in my head, until Bad Dragon sad I could review one!
Yes, that noise you just heard was me doing my impression of an angelic chorus.
Before I could get that gorgeous Tentacle in my hands, I had some decisions to make. Bad Dragon do hold an inventory of pre-made products, but they also allow customers to tailor their chosen piece to their own tastes. I was sent forth and told to customise my toy. Exciting!
First on the agenda was size.
The Bad Dragon Tentacle is available in small, medium, and large. As you’ve probably discovered if you’ve had a click through my other reviews, I like to fuck big things, so naturally I opted for large.
Now, as I’ve said in the past, numbers on a screen are an abstract concept for me. I’m crap at accurately envisaging the real-life size of something just on numbers. Bad Dragon do their product pics with drinks cans as a comparison guide, but my lame brain can’t compute that either.
Finally seeing the Tentacle in person had me smiling like a maniac. It was exactly and nothing like I imagined it would be. So much silicone! Most of that is in the whopping 6 x 4.5 x 2.5 inch base, though. The shaft itself is 8” from base to tip, all of it insertable, and because of its graduated size, it’s only as invasive as you want it to be. At the tip there’s a very manageable 4.5” girth. Half way down you have a satisfying 6” girth, and by the time you hit the base you’re facing a real challenge with a delicious 10” whole inches in circumference. Yowza!
Next decision to make? Firmness.
Custom Bad Dragon toys are made especially for you with your chosen level of squish. The options for the Tentacle are soft, medium, and firm. Because of the tip being so slender, I decided firm was the way to go. I figured that a more solid silicone would let me wriggle the thin tip back inside me without too much fuss if the shaft happened to pop out mid-fuck. The idea of it being all slippery but penetrating me with ease was oh so very octopussy to my mind, and I loved it.
I don’t know what I’d compare the density of this silicone to. Just a bit firmer than jelly snakes, maybe? The ones you have to bite down on and really stretch before they suddenly snap and have you almost blackening your own eye with spring back. It’s still quite soft and very flexible at the slimmer end of the shaft, but it’s definitely firm enough to work against.
Finally, the last choice I had to make was the colour I wanted.
Okay, back to the sweet shop with this bit. Asking me to choose a colour is like sending me to Honeydukes and asking me to only choose one thing. I’ve never spent so much time procrastinating over anything in my life. Part of me was saying, go for something natural and realistic looking, it’ll be awesome once you get it all lubed up and slimy! But another part of me said, pick something limited edition, something that won’t be available in six months’ time.
I dithered for a bit, but then spotted this picture:
When I saw it, I realised that I could have a realistic and a limited edition Bad Dragon Tentacle! One of the colours available at the time my dildo was made was Strawberry Frosted Squares.
It’s not the same by any means, but it’s similar enough for me. I adore the pretty patterns and love that there’s a bit of gold glitter in the chocolate brown patches. The Fella hates it, though. He says it looks like an uncooked leg of lamb and makes him queasy.
Then it arrived.
Bad Dragon delivery is so fast! I emailed in my colour options on the 22nd of February, and my package was delivered on the 10th of March. Yes, I’ve had it for ages and am doing the review super late, but I really wanted to know this dildo (and the one that came with it) like the back of my hand before I put fingers to keyboard.
And I know it well, now.
The details on this thing are superb. My photos are rubbish so you probably can’t see the texture down the back of the shaft. But it’s there. Do you know the cup of water scene in Jurassic Park? The one where the surface ripples under the vibrations of the T-Rex’s footsteps? That’s what this texturing is like. Dimply, bumpy and lovely.
Then, down the front, you have those suckers. They’re soft, quite deep in some places, and once they’re covered in lube they do take on a tiny suction cup feel. They don’t stick to things, but they do add a squelchy quality that feels as icky as it feels good.
If you look closely at my photos, you might be able to see the small, limpet-like circles that surround the suckers. It’s all texture, and that’s all sensation.
In use
You know how they say that you should never meet your heroes because you’ll just end up disappointed? That’s how I felt when I first used the Bad Dragon Tentacle. I had it on such a high pedestal I was broken hearted when I totally failed to reach orgasm with it. No matter what I tried or where I tried it, I just couldn’t get there.
It took me a good few failed attempts before I sat myself down and told myself that I was too expectant. I came to think that aesthetics and fantasy had given me unrealistic expectations about it. That if I really looked at it I’d see that it was too slim for vaginal use (I can take around 6 – 7 inches of length before I run out of vagina) and too awkward for anal. I basically trashed it in my mind, and when I next used it in preparation to write a sad, disappointed review, I was amazed to find that everything had changed.
Finally, after weeks and weeks, I came using the Bad Dragon Tentacle! The Hentai (sound switched off) helped, sure, but what helped more was accessing my own fantasies. All I had to do was slip into a bath of darkly coloured water and imagine that the dildo was still attached to a creature of the deep. It was creepy, kinda made my skin crawl, but something about it really worked.
I’ve discovered that it’s not much good for vaginal penetration. It’s too slim to ride because it flops out of me too easily. And I can only just feel the suckers as they pass back and forth around my opening. If I could take in more it would be ace because I’d be getting the deeper suckers and girthier shaft, but I can’t.
Anally, however, I can. It took me some fucking work to get all the way down the shaft, not to mention a few Acme ‘I just sat on a cactus’ moments, but I managed to do it. The length takes it deep, the stretch is toe curling, and those suckers that were nothing vaginally are everything anally. I can feel every single one passing through cos my anal opening is way more sensitive than my vag opening.
Wriggling while sat on it feels amazing, and because my butt is a tighter hole, there’s less popping out going on. I can ride it comfortably without fear of it escaping.
The noises those suckers produce are ace, too. It’s all very wet sounding, and when combined with my hands, the Fella’s hands and sloshing bath water, it all mashes up into a dirty, sub-aquatic wank-a-thon.
Since then, I’ve been able to come with it no problem. All I need to do is slip into my own mind for a bit, sometimes even watching myself play in a mirror, and that’s that. It is a heavy toy, given all that silicone, so holding it to thrust can sometimes hinder my efforts, but that just means I have to get off my back and onto my knees or feet.
Cleaning and storage
Due to the super-textured nature of the Bad Dragon Tentacle, I like to get in there with a soft toothbrush and toy cleaner. One of the products in the care package that came with my Tentacle is a toy cleaner, which I’ll be reviewing shortly. I find foaming cleaners work best as they dissolve all but the thickest gunk. If you don’t do sex toy cleaners, hot soapy water works just as well. All you need to do is ensure you get all the nooks and crannies clean, including the little slit at the tip of the shaft. That’s deep but narrow and loves to hide dried fluids.
Given the size of this toy it’s not all that hard to store. Mine is in the toy cupboard, but wherever you keep yours just know that it loves dust, lint and pet hair. You might want to cover it with something, or keep it in a bag.
So, yeah. My first experience with Bad Dragon started out on unsteady ground, but after a bit of practice the Tentacle has become all I hoped it would be. For a fantasy fulfilling toy it’s pretty much perfect. I do think I’d really struggle with a toy this size if I had problems with my hands, or if I couldn’t mount it to play. Those with grip/mobility issues who want a Tentacle would be better off looking at the smaller options.
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