Unless you work for either a sex toy manufacturer or store, it’s unlikely you’ve read my info page. On that page are all the terms and conditions of working with me. One of my self-imposed rules is that any individual product sent to me will be reviewed within six weeks of delivery. If more than one product is sent, there’ll be up to four weeks between reviews. Nine times out of ten I stick to this rule, but as with everything, there are exceptions. This is the case with the Bad Dragon Kelvin.
No, this sucker is well outside of my review window after being with me since…wait for it…March. It arrived at the same time as my beloved Bad Dragon Tentacle. That dildo took me long enough to review, but when it comes to Kelvin, it’s taken me seven frigging months to get myself in a place where I feel like I have the right to talk about this magnificent beast.
When I approached Bad Dragon and shamelessly pleaded with them to let me review something, I went in with the hopes of finally getting my beautiful Tentacle. I knew I wanted to get all of me all over that thing, but I had a moment of doubt. Because I live in the UK, making a Bad Dragon order has always seemed like a pipedream. The toys themselves aren’t cheap, and then there’s the cost of shipping and customs on top. So even though I loved the Tentacle, I wanted to be 100% sure it was the right decision.
After having a good long browse, I ended up in a tizzy. Yeah, I still wanted the Tentacle, but I also wanted half a dozen other dildos, too. Fuckity-fuck! A short internal battle ensued and after wheedling it down to just two – Kelvin and Pretzal – Kelvin finally won the battle of the dragon dicks.
So, I told the lovely Michael from Bad Dragon that I couldn’t choose between the Tentacle and Kelvin, so would be happy to be sent either. I swear I heard harps and angel song when they said they’d send both!
One of the most awesome things about Bad Dragon – after their incredible designs – is that they give you the option to completely customise your toy. You can choose size, firmness, colour, suction cups, cumtubes… they’re basically the Burger King of sex, because they really do let you have it your way.
But, just like they say you shouldn’t shop food when you’re hungry, you probably shouldn’t shop for a Bad Dragon dildo while you’re horny. Reason being, there’s a good chance that your eyes will be too big for your orifices, and you might end up choosing a size that would make an actual dragon squeeze its thighs together in nervous anticipation.
Yeah, I was hornier than a goat when I built my Kelvin, so naturally, I opted for the extra-large. Eleven inches from tip to base, nine of them insertable. A head and shaft with a girth of eight inches, and a knot with a girth of ten and a half inches. It definitely takes two hands to handle this whopper!
All the colouring options boggled my mind cos one was just as lovely as the next, but I opted for what was called ‘Absolute Zero’ at the time. A beautiful pale lavender that blends into a mid-blue and finishes with a white base. It’s pearly, shimmery metallic and is just stunning. I think Absolute Zero has gone through a few changes and is now Kelvin’s signature colour.
Every inch of Kelvin is made from silicone. I knew I was going big, so didn’t want to have anything that would be too rigid inside me. But at the same time, I didn’t want anything so floppy it would be unfuckable, so I had to have a medium-firm shaft with a firm base.
But even though I didn’t go hard, it’s still a super solid dildo. It’s just so big and so dense it feels like a dual density toy. The outside is squishy, the whole piece is pliable and super flexible, but it’s firm enough to stand erect and is easy enough to insert.
Well, when I say easy enough to insert, what I mean is it doesn’t bend in half or flop away from whatever orifice I’m putting it in. Getting the first couple of inches of the head inside me is easily done because of the pointed tip, but then comes the rest of it.
I’ve struggled for months, but can finally take all of Kelvin inside me. And this is why it’s taken me so long to feel good about writing this review. I really didn’t want to write about a toy that I couldn’t use, so I’ve fucking well made my body learn to accept it.
Vaginally, I can only take the first six or seven inches. For the first couple of months of being able to get all of that in me, I had the shortest play times ever. I’d play shallowly at first, loving how the shape of the head felt and dying over the squishy scales that run down the back of the shaft. But as soon as I sank down on it and felt the 8.5” stretch right at my vaginal opening, I’d come.
It’s just so filling, so thick and so long I barely got a chance to play because the sensation of it was overwhelming. But, after a load of training, I can bounce on it until the cows come home and after figuring out how much clit stim I need, I can have multiple orgasms with it.
Even after my vagina was taught to take it, I was still looking at that knot. Ten bloody fucking inches, people. My balled fist is only nine and a half. But it was a case of look but can’t touch, cos I couldn’t fit any more of it in me. Well, not in my vag, I couldn’t.
So, that’s what I’ve been up to this past few months. Teaching myself to take a 10” x 10” dragon dick up by butt. And I’ve finally achieved it! Because I’m an uncertified genius, I asked that my lovely Kelvin have a suction cup base. And not long after I started the butt training we replaced our old divan bed with a bedstead. That gave me a wooden headboard instead of velvet.
Sticking Kelvin on that wooden headboard, getting on all fours and backing onto it is probably my favourite thing these days. The tapered head and gradually widening shaft are perfect for slowly acclimatising my butt to something so big, and I can take it as slowly as I need. I don’t even have to size up by swapping toys, it’s all there in the Bad Dragon Kelvin. Just a bit of patience, a load of thick water-based lube (thank God for Sliquid Sassy) and I can butt fuck this toy all day long.
Once I’m done abusing us both, I either stick Kelvin in a sink of hot soapy water (if I’ve used it anally) or I give it a good coating in toy cleaner, give it a rub then a rinse, then let it air dry. After that, it lives on the dildo shelf in my toy cupboard. I’d recommend storing any Bad Dragon dildo upright if you have a suction cup base to ensure it doesn’t warp.
So, yeah. Everything about the Bad Dragon Kelvin is brilliant. I love it, the Fella loves to use it on me (vaginally only, he ain’t getting near my ass with something this big), though he’s not afraid to admit that he’s terrified of it. It’s heavy, substantial, filling, stretching, textured…all the things for those times my body needs all the sensations.
Even if extra-large isn’t your idea of a good time, you can get yourself a Kelvin from as small as six-inches long with a six-inch maximum girth. If you fancy giving this one a go, click the banner below and be whisked away to its product page. To find your own perfect dragon dong, click here.
