Dial 19-50-CANDY

Image owned by (and of) the beautiful Candy Snatch Reviews

This piece is basically me flexing my fingers in practice for #EUPHOFF. To be honest, the only thing sexy about it is the picture of Candy at the top but I’m publishing it anyway cos it made me giggle. Hope it gives you a smile, too.

19-50-CANDY what’s your pleasure…

Uh, yeah. Hi. So I, uh, I was cruisin’ just now and decided to hit Jenny’s for an ice cream float. While I was takin’ a leak, I lamped your picture stuck to the wall. I don’t usually… but wowee, you are one hot mama. A total knockout. Anyway, the card said to give you a bell for a good time and I couldn’t resist callin’.

Tell me what you want, Big Daddy…

Gee, honey, that voice sure does razz my berries. I want more of that. More of you talkin’.

What do you want me to talk about…

Well, Peggy, my girl, she says I’m a candy ass. A wimp. She wanted to play a little backseat bingo at the Passion Pit last Friday, but it, uh, didn’t work out and now she’s frosted.

Oh, sugar, couldn’t she handle your ding-a-ling…

No, it’s not that. Peggy’s a dolly, and kinda fast, you know? And I was jazzed that we were makin’ out, but nothin’ she did got me cranked. I gave her all the apple butter she could take, I told her it was a gas, but every word of it was bogus and she knew it. When I think about her callin’ me a pooper, well it really rattles my cage.

You’re not a pooper, honey, you are the most! Just knowin’ you tried to make it work has my jellybox all a quiver…


Sure! Peggy might be easy but I’m bettin’ she’s still just a kitten…

You’re not a kitten, though.

No, I’m not, I’m a Queen. And you must be some kinda cool cat cos only that could get me pawin’ at myself south of the border…

D’you think I can make you purr?

I’m sure you can! I bet you’re a dreamboat. A real greaser with a cute little jellyroll on your forehead and black leather on your back. I’d bet you pocketed my picture…

Of course, I did, you’re stacked.

And I’d bet you have your tickler in your hand while you look at it…

Gosh, how did you know!

Look at my face. Think about my lips and tongue, think about me giving you a Frenchie. Rattle that snake for me, baby. Oh, you got me on the hook, I’m gonna get my jollies listening to you playing with your gigglestick…

Oh golly, I’m havin’ a blast! I wanna fill the hole in your doughnut, I wanna cream all over your sweet potato pie!

Oh, honey, you and me could make the tastiest banana split! I can’t keep my fingers outta my sugar scoop, you’re gonna have to be quick on the trigger, Daddy-o, cos I’m about to spill my juice…

Yes…yes…yes…I’m shootin’ the moon, oh CANDY!!



If you would like to continue your call, please insert another quarter.

No.44 – Tastes Like Candy

9 thoughts on “Dial 19-50-CANDY

  1. Genial!
    Sencillamente genial!
    Me encantó el relato.
    Lo he leido dos veces.
    Gracias por compartir.
    Saludos y enhorabuena.

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