Whenever a gift giving event rolls around, one of the conversations the Fella tries to strike up without me noticing is, which Ella am I buying for this time? See, the different moods of me come with very different tastes. If I’m feeling silly and playful I love to be showered with plushies, animated movies, or merchandise from my favourite kids’ TV shows. When my mood takes on a melancholy tone I get weepy when he gives me fuzzy socks, books, and tasty stuff I can eat while I wear and read them. And then there’s macabre me, who wants skulls, blood and anything that could be considered even slightly satanic.
He has identified things that each mood has in common – no matter how I’m feeling, my little heart will always swell for bats, dragons, and Hello Kitty – but usually, he tries to match my gifts with whatever side of my personality I’m projecting at the time.
That got me thinking about which sex toys each shade of Ella would be thrilled to receive on Valentine’s Day. Some of the toys I already have fit absolutely perfectly with some of my tastes, and there are many more out there that call to me. Loudly. So, instead of doing a V-Day gift guide on the usual products (We-Vibe, LELO etc) I’ve decided to recommend some alternative stuff I have, along with a handful of bits that I want. If you’re looking for a few suggestions for sex toys to pick up for a sparkly princess, dark darling, kinky kitten or a lux-loving diva, you’re sure to find some awesome ideas below.
The Fella says that, for him, a large part of my charm is my love of the dark, dangerous side of romance. I get wet at the thought of having a vampire fuck-feed on me until I’m two breaths away from taking my last. The majority of my sexy playlist is either heavy metal, murder ballads, or songs that have a ‘let’s drink this poison so we can be together forever in death‘ kinda message. But yeah, if it’s creepy, black, or a depiction of death, I love it!
If you have a dark natured soul to treat this Valentine’s Day you can’t go wrong with these products I’m proud to have in my very own toy cupboard:
Keep Burning’s Cock Skull Dildo could quite possibly be the most perfect insertable for the black-hearted individual. Provided that individual gets off on fucking granite hard hunks of forearm-thick silicone, that is. This behemoth has an 11″ overall length (7.5″ insertable) and an eyewatering girth of 8.5″. It’s jet black from the slit in its semi-realistic tip to the swell of its weighty base, which just happens to have been sculpted into the likeness of a human skull. Devilish!
Obviously, such a massive dong isn’t gonna be to everyone’s taste no matter how much they love the goth aesthetic. Enter the Fleshlight Freaks Drac Dildo. A gorgeous, glossy blood red dildo that has a stunning batwing design wrapped around its base and shaft to give texture. With an insertable length of 6″ (overall 7″) it isn’t all that much shorter in use than the Cock Skull, but the 6″ girth is a lot more manageable. If there was ever gonna be a dildo that could add fuel to fantasies of vampiric sex, it would be the Drac!
One of my go-to colour combos is black and red. I love how they look together and I love how I feel when I wear them. That’s one of the reasons I love the Tantus Black Widow Harness. Glorious black leather straps with polished silver hardware that adjusts to accommodate hips from 30 to 50 inches. Black leather front and back panels stitched into a beautifully sinister spiderweb pattern over a background of blood red leather. Strapping myself into this thing was the first time I ever truly embraced pegging. The way the Fella whispers Spiderella whenever I wear it…ugh, how could I not?
I think there would be extra despair in the world if there wasn’t some kind of vibe to gift to your goth. While the Womanizer W500 isn’t technically a vibe, it does do wonderful things for those of us with clits. Basically, it offers sucky, pulsing, wet stimulation that’s capable of bringing folk to orgasm in minutes with absolutely no human effort whatsoever. It comes in a bunch of different colourways to cater for different tastes, but the Tattoo is the loveliest, in my opinion. Cream and grey damask skulls on an all black body? I’ll never get tired of looking at – or using – that.
Darkling Ella’s Valentine’s Wish: Necronomicox Mythos.
Something else the Fella finds endearing about me is the fact that I can go from idolising Morticia Addams to Rainbow Brite at the flip of a switch. Some nights I’ll be wearing black pyjamas covered in skulls when he tucks me into bed, then when I wander down to join him for a morning cuppa I’ll have my hair in bunches, glitter gloss on my lips and a sparkly Betty Boop t-shirt pulled tight across my baps. This is when you’ll find me cross-legged on our bed, surrounded by plushies and watching the Raggy Dolls and Adventure Time while sucking on a Push Pop.
Sound like someone you love? Check out these super cute offerings from the kitschier end of the sex toy market:
The ultimate cutesy sex toy has to be the Tokidoki Unicorn Wand. When Lovehoney first launched this range I wanted each and every piece more than I wanted my next cup of coffee. Whether you’re after angels, devils, birds, diamonds, hearts, or skulls, there’s a Tokidoki product for you. The Unicorn Wand is a mains-powered, scroll-wheel operated blast of sunshine, with a bold, bright body and a removable silicone unicorn head. Something (silly which I am not recommending) I used to do with my first Lovehoney wand was stick a push pin into the head to give myself a bit of pinpoint accuracy. Now I have a body safe unicorn horn to do that and it’s the cutest thing ever, I adore it.
I’m not into pony play. I know this because I’ve tried it and I just felt a bit silly, really. But that doesn’t stop me getting off on having a tail. Brighter than bright, the multi-coloured Crystal Delights Pony Plug delights me on so many levels. A high-quality glass plug with a luxuriously thick, gorgeously curly tail that covers plenty of ass (which I have plenty of) and hangs to my thighs. It’s available in single colours if that’s more your giftee’s style, but I adore the bright colours of mine. If y’all think it’s too bright, there’s always the pastel version.
My affinity for big dildos isn’t exclusive to my spooky side. Cutesy Ella likes a challenge, too, and I can’t think of a better one than the Split Peaches Unicorn Horn Dildo. 10″ of insertable length. 8.7″ of girth at the widest point. And a super twisty design in pretty pastel colours that leaves whichever orifice I wiggle it into feeling stretched, stuffed, and thoroughly well fucked. Everything about it just makes me happy and if I didn’t have one I’d be screaming with joy right now cos a whole batch of ’em just landed in the UK this past week.
Girly Ella’s Valentine’s Wish: Sailor Girl Dildo Wand
I’ve had quite a few conversations with the Fella and our kid which have resulted in me being called a geek. Affectionately, of course. Personally, I wouldn’t consider myself a geek at all but, apparently, my love for Marvel, DC, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter earns me the title *shrugs*. There are so many sex toys out there for geeky folks it’s actually astounding and thoroughly awesome. I have one or two and want a truckful more.
Got a geek to buy for? Check these out:
Am I a Spiderman fan? Well, I’m more of a Batman fan in truth, but I do like a bit of Spidey (Tobey Maguire. I like Tobey Maguire *blush*). Anyhoo, the Super Hung Heroes Amazing web Shooter is a fangirl’s dream come true. At just 5″ insertable with a 5.5″ girth it’s actually quite small, given some of the other stuff I get sweaty over. And the word of the day with this one is texture. I’m not shitting you, it’s a solid dildo that’s decorated in spider webs with a huge spider on the underside, all of which stick out well over a centimetre from the shaft. If you decide to buy one make sure you buy a gallon or twelve of lube, too, cos the crosshatch texture that covers the entire piece from tip to base can feel like sandpaper if there ain’t enough wetness.
There aren’t many brands out there that have got me wanting one of everything. Womanizer is one, We-Vibe is too, but that’s about it. Even my darling Fun Factory hasn’t got a catalogue where I say, one of everything, please. But there is one company that makes me need all the things and that’s Bad Dragon. I fucking adore dragons, people. Dragons (along with bats) are all over my house, hanging from walls, standing on shelves, crowding up my bookcase and DVD unit. And there’s one – just one – in my toy cupboard. The Bad Dragon Kelvin stole my heart in a big way. It’s huge, with 9″ of insertable length and between 8.5 and 10.5″ in girth. Jaysus! It’s incredible, though, and along with its travel companion, the Tentacle, it has made me want all the BD things. If the sizing of it is more terrifying than tantalising to you, or if the shape doesn’t appeal, Bad Dragon have plenty more to choose from.
Given that I hail from Newcastle (in the North East of England) it’s not a surprise that I have a bit of magpie in me. As much as I’m a bargain hunter and love it when I get inexpensive yet thoroughly thoughtful gifts, I do love a little bit of luxury. The Fella knows exactly which shinies I’ll appreciate most too, and after nearly 20 years together he’s got delighting me down to a fine art.
Got a magpie to buy for? Check these out:
You can’t get shinier than stainless steel, and one such thing I got my paws on recently is the Lovehoney Desire Steel Dildo. For some metal toys you’re looking at forking out hundreds, so this one is super reasonably priced. At over 6″ insertable, it goes in nice and deep while the five bumpy bumps feed the texture lover in me. Spinning it around and using the biggest ball (5″ girth) to hammer my g-spot into squirting submission feels almost like using my Njoy Pure Wand, except I get a bit of extra stimulation from the beaded shaft. Because of the wide-balled base I’m even happy to use it anally, so it really is a do all dildo.
If there’s one sex toy I would recommend everybody experience it would have to be a Doxy. Mains-powered monsters of rumble, the Doxy Wand is an incredible piece of kit. No matter what kind of play your lover likes the Doxy can accommodate. It can be used over clothing for those who find direct contact too harsh. It can be used for teasing, arousing, massaging, forced orgasm, denied orgasm. Attachments can be easily sourced and it can be turned into a g-spotter, p-spotter, penis masturbator, or any kind of clit stimulator you like. For the magpie, the Diecast comes in silver metals, gorgeous glittery gem colours, or even precious metals if your wallet is deep enough. And then there’s the baby of the family, the Doxy Number 3. Compact with a mushroom sized head, it allows for more direct stim than its larger siblings, and it’s easier to use during penetration, too.
For the bold and glamorous magpie, a perfect pressie would be the Crave Vesper. Available in all silver, silver with rose gold accents, or full yellow gold, the Vesper is a gorgeous thing. What it is, is a pencil-thin vibrator that hangs from a fine chain. That chain is to be worn around the neck. In public. Yep, it’s a vibrating pendant and it’s sexy as fuck. The daring individual will adore it for the potential shock factor alone, but it’s not just pretty. It’s actually a decent vibrator, too, and I love using mine.
Rabbit vibes can be absolute dicks sometimes. Seriously, I really struggle to get on with them. Fit is often weird, the shaft often eclipses the clit bit and, usually, I just can’t get no satisfaction. That’s why it shocked me when the L’Amourose Denia – an oddly shaped dual-stimulator with vibrations that rock my world – worked perfectly for me. L’Amourose is a beautiful, luxury brand and they offer so much. If you want to really make your magpie smile, check out the Denia Rouge. All the power of the original with the addition of a heating element that warms things up nicely. The red silicone it’s made of is gorgeous, too!
I’ve said it in the past and I’ll say it again; if you want to buy your partner a rock don’t go for the usual diamond. All magpies have those already. What they might not have is a D1 Blue Pearl Larvikite Dildo from Laid. This thing is actual rock, people. 300 million-year-old Norwegian Moonstone. Everything about it is precious, from the simple shape that lets the stone do the talking to the icy coldness of it before it gets warmed to body temperature. It would be a genuine gem in any dildo collection.
“I got love for you if you were born in the 80s”. Yes, I am an 80s baby, and much of what I love now I loved back then, too. The Fella finds it hugely entertaining that I get so fucking mad when I see stuff I wore or toys I played with labelled ‘vintage’. So, naturally, he does it himself to wind me up. He buys me ‘vintage’ Rainbow Brite toys, ‘vintage’ cartoons on DVD. I huff, but really it delights me. The 80s got so much wrong (seriously, I have photos to back that statement up) but there was a lot of stuff it got right. One thing I always remember is how colourful everything was. Neons, primary brights, fluorescents…it was all in yo face. Happily, there are plenty of sex toys that make the throwback in me joyous.
If you have a 30 something to buy for, check out the following:
Godemiche. A UK company that hand-pours and sells some of the boldest coloured dildos you will ever see. There aren’t a massive number of designs to choose from but those who like chunky realistics, g/p-spotters, or anal pegs and plugs are well catered for. There’s even a little bit of fantasy available with the Hercules, which comes in three sizes. The pick of the colour crop has to be the Effulgence line, though. These glitter packed pretties are incredible, and you can have any Godemiche dildo of your choice made in the colour you love most. But for the real 80s throwback piece, check out the Confused Rainbow. Bit of an odd name, but the colouring itself is stellar.
When I was a kid I adored sweets, but as I got older I fell out with He-Man jellies and Black Jacks, prefering to guzzle chocolate and coffee. But one treat that’s stayed with me all my life are Swizzles Love Hearts. Delight was mine when I discovered a couple of years back that Blush Novelties makes Naughty Candy Heart Butt Plugs. These things are the bee’s knees and I adore them. Cute little silicone plugs with heart-shaped bases, Naughty Candy Hearts come in three colours. Each one has something inscribed in the base. Mine says ‘Do Me Now’. If you fancy something a bit bigger – and ruder – look for a Naughtier Candy Heart. I have a purple one that has ‘Fuck Me’ on its base. Can’t get clearer than that, can ya?
Fun Factory has long been one of my favourite brands and everything they make comes with a funky colour pop. If you fancy a lime green vibrator, you got it. If you want a something devilish, horns and all, you can have that, too. But something that really gets my vote is their Flexi Felix Anal Beads. Bright red (or black), soft silicone, goofy smiling face…it’s all there and it’s adorable.
One company I discovered last year is My Fucsia. Makers of ceramic dildos with a difference that really make me think of childish things. For me, two of my loves were covered by the Pop Skull Dildo. Bright pink and purple butterflies with skulls. It looks good, feels better, and isn’t all that expensive either. If the skulls aren’t right for what you need, check out their site. Goofy aliens, submarines, hearts, animal print, flowers…there’s a design here to steal the heart of any lover of colour.
80s Throwback Ella’s Valentine’s wish: BS Atelier Capsula
I’m not gonna lie, I’m a hopeless romantic. You know when you see crazy dudes in the movies who sit beneath a girl’s window and slaughter a power ballad in order to win her heart? Most folks cry injunction, whereas I just cry. A Valentine’s card covered in pink hearts and waggy-tailed puppies melts me. Give me chocolates, wine and a power ballads CD over a candle-lit pizza dinner and I’m putty in your hands. Well, if you’re the Fella, of course. He’s the king of picking the perfect rose brandishing teddy bear or the corniest heart-shaped bottle of undrinkable wine.
If you’re buying for someone who loves being loved, check out these lovely brands:
Shunga is a company that makes consumable products and their tagline is Love is Art. Their products range from one use packs of aphrodisiac bath salts to full kits containing everything you need for a sensual pampering session. One of the reasons I love them, other than their awesome stuff, of course, is their packaging. They have the most giftable packaging I’ve ever encountered. Shunga is, after all, Japanese erotic art, and that’s what adorns their stuff. One of my faves is their edible body paint. Such fun!
Hearts are synonymous with Valentine’s Day, and one sex toy brand that seems to be made for the Hallmark holiday is Lovelife. Everything is pink and white, each piece having a heart worked into their design somewhere, and most toy categories are covered. Kegellers will love the Flex Set, a collection of three silicone heart-shaped exercisers. For a bit of feedback, there’s the Krush. There’s a heart-shaped cock ring, a wand with a heart-shaped head…and the vibes are definitely worth your time.
If hearts are the name of the day but your love doesn’t care for vibes, look no further than Sh!. Their Valentine Wirly Girly Dildos are beautiful and perfect gifts for the romantic at heart. Available in a couple of sizes, they’re made of almost crystal clear silicone, inside of which floats a handful of bright red silicone hearts. The shaft is wavy, giving texture, and the base (also heart-shaped like all Sh! dildos) makes it anal safe as well as harness compatible. If the multi-heart thing is a little too cheesy for you, check out the White Wirly Girly. The same dildo except opaque white, with just one pale pink heart adorning the base. So sweet!
I’m a massive fan of massage, and one of the nicest products I’ve ever used is the Desirables Vegan Massage Candle. They’re hand-poured, they’re vegan, they smell gorgeous, and they feel so luxurious in use you’ll never want the massage to end. When it eventually does end, there will be no greasy residue left behind. All there will be is subtly scented, soft skin and a desire to do it all again.
This might seem like an odd suggestion for a Valentine’s gift, but trust me when I say that the Cumpanion and Cuddle Bean are awesome things to have. What are they? Aftercare products. A kitten soft, absorbent, after sex towel that is so much nicer to reach for than a crusty old bath sheet. Even though I know what it is, I still get a dopey smile about me when the Fella hands me ours. He’s one for grabbing whatever is closest so I feel extra cared for when he takes the time to get out our Cumpanion. But it isn’t just for clean up. The little hood on one end is great for covering a wand head to act as a buffer for those who don’t love super powered vibes.
I really could go on forever and ever, picking out toys that delight the foody side of me, or the kinky side, or the lazy, or the power hungry. But there’s already so much here to keep you busy, and as V-Day is only two weeks away, posting this any later would be pointless. I just hope these little insights into what works for the different aspects of me has given you some inspiration for your Valentine’s giftee. If not, feel free to drop me an email. I’m happy to make suggestions especially for you. Just remember one thing: only buy sex toys for your partner/s if you know they’ll be well received. There’s nothing more uncomfortable than the pressure of having to try something just because someone bought it for you.
Some affiliate links have been used in this post. Most of these products have reviews right here on Scandarella. Use the search bar at the top right hand side of the screen (on PC) and check them out 😀