Hole Punch Toys Mother Interior Review

If you’re a reader of Scandarella erotica, you might have picked up on something quite personal about me. As well as my love for the spooky and macabre, I really get off on writing the profane. The blasphemous. For some reason, I adore picking bits of scripture and warping them, taking religious imagery and sexing it the fuck up. So it feels super on-brand of me to be reviewing a dildo in the shape of a nun. Yep, the lovely folks from SheVibe have given me a shot at the Hole Punch Toys Mother Interior and it is magnificent.

I’m not gonna lie, I was initially drawn to this shapely piece of sacrilege purely because of how it looks. It’s tongue in cheek at best, downright blasphemous at worst, and therefore fully awesome in my opinion. When the Fella first saw it, he laughed uncomfortably and said, “Oh my God, that’s so offensive.” I mean, not no. But this coming from a guy who stood behind me while I watched porn full of priest-on-nun action… it just reeks of hypocrisy and I’m having nun of it. Lol. News just in, my pun game is weak. Continue reading “Hole Punch Toys Mother Interior Review” →

Uberrime Helios Dildo Review

It’s Uberrime time! I love this brand so much, folks. How much? Top five brands ever much. I have a handful of their products in my review queue (all of them stunning) and the first pick out of that box for the new year is the Uberrime Helios Dildo.

Uberrime Helios Dildo Review, image showing an orange, white and black ribbed dildo and a white thank you card, on a black background

Okay, I kinda lied there. I didn’t take the Helios out of my review box cos it’s never been in it. Nope, it’s lived in my ‘quick grab’ cupboard because when I want it I want it, I don’t want to have to rummage.

After 5 years of cramming stuff into my cunt and then writing about it, I’ve become very finely attuned to what does and doesn’t work for me. I know that if I don’t have a curve, I like a bulbous tip. If I don’t have texture, I like girth, and that I like more length than I can take so that I have something to hold on to. And the Uberrime Helios ticks all my boxes in the best of ways. Continue reading “Uberrime Helios Dildo Review” →

Split Peaches Rivetor Dildo Review

Do you have a nemesis? Is there someone or something out there that is the Joker to your Batman, the Loki to your Thor, the Doofenshmirtz to your Perry the frigging platypus? Well, today I’m gonna introduce you to mine. Folks, meet the Split Peaches Rivetor that the lovely bods at Betty’s Toy Box kindly sent my way. The dildo that, for a while there, had me convinced that my vagina had finally met its match.

Split Peaches Rivetor Dildo Review, image showing a large, curved, studded rainbow dildo with a nut shaped base, on a black background

Yeah, I really struggled to get on with this one. I wailed and moaned, bitched and whinged, but for a long while I just couldn’t figure out how to even get it in me without bringing tears to my own eyes. And do you know what caused it? Damn, never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever find myself typing these words, but it was the texture. Let me explain… Continue reading “Split Peaches Rivetor Dildo Review” →

Bad Dragon Apollo Dildo Review

If you’re into fantasy dildos, especially those inspired by winged serpents that breathe fire, you’ll probably know all about Bad Dragon. They’re the creators of some of the most stunning dildos I’ve ever gazed upon. About half a year ago, I reviewed what could possibly be the most gorgeous Bad Dragon dildo I’m ever likely to come all over across. Now, after a lot of practice, it’s time to review its travel companion, and they’re about as different as two dildos can get. Yeah, it’s time for me to tell y’all what I think of my rather large Bad Dragon Apollo.

Bad Dragon Apollo Dildo Review, image of a large silicone dildo in a metallic gold to copper fade, with dragon scales, a large knot,, and a scaled base

Quite simply, I love it. I love everything about it. Its shape, its design, its colour. And, after some trial and error, I learned to love its size. See, as I said in my last review, picking dildo sizes while even remotely horny is a shitty idea. But I really can’t help myself. Whenever I’m faced with size options I go in thinking, know your limits, Ella, but as soon as it comes down to it I’m like, FILL ME WITH THE BIGGEST BASTARD YOU HAVE AVAILABLE!! Which is exactly what I did when I did my custom picks for the Bad Dragon Apollo. Continue reading “Bad Dragon Apollo Dildo Review” →

Mr Hankey’s Dragon Dildo Review

It’s Scandarella’s Big Dong Day! The day of my reviewing year that’s dedicated to big, bold silicone dicks. In 2017 I gushed about this creepy number, and last year things got a wee bit magical. This year? This year I’m playing around with massive myths, with not one but two dragon dildo reviews going live this week. The first of the two is the delicious Mr Hankey’s Dragon Dildo.

Mr Hankey's Dragon Dildo Review, image of a huge green silicone dildo with small scales and large amroured plated on a black glittery background

I’m no stranger to Hankey’s Toys, having reviewed their BFG and Seahorse dildos during 2018 while having the Dragon and one other dong (review coming soon!) waiting in the wings for this year. And do you know what? They’ve never failed to impress me. From first communication to delivery, every aspect of my Hankey’s experience has been positive. They’re a friendly bunch and super accommodating, which is a good thing given that they run a customisation service. Continue reading “Mr Hankey’s Dragon Dildo Review” →

Temptasia Elvira by Blush Novelties Review

Even though I’ve refused to tell my friends and family my blog’s actual name, I’m happy to yap on about what goes down here whenever I get the chance. We talk about my stories and, more often than not, sex toys. Recently, a friend shocked the shit out of me when she announced that, despite my warnings (and occasional death threats) she still buys toxic/porous toys. Why? Cos she thinks that silicone ones are too expensive. I nearly tripped over my own tongue in my haste to prove her wrong. It was easily done, cos just so happened to have the Temptasia Elvira sat in my review pile.

Temptasia Elvira Review, black silicone dildoin black glossy packaging, on a black background covered with slver spiders and webs

The Elvira is a silicone dildo that’s made by one of my favourite ‘we do a bit of everything’ brands, Blush Novelties. And do you know how much it costs? A mere $27.60 if you’re shopping at SheVibe (or £23.99 in the UK). My mate paid $35.99 (£29.99) for her rubbery monstrosity. That’s a significant difference in price, right? But when I compared the two products, I pointed out that the only real difference between them in terms of design is realism. Continue reading “Temptasia Elvira by Blush Novelties Review” →

Uberrime Calaveras Halloween Dildo Review

Here’s a very well-known fact for you: I love reviewing sex toys. And here’s another one: I love Halloween. But what happens when you put those two loves together? The Uberrime Calaveras Dildo, that’s what. Yep, it’s time for me to write my annual Halloween product review, and I’m one very happy Spookarella.

Uberrime Calaveras Halloween Dildo Review, side view of a black and grey dildo with green testicles, on a black background covered with orange skulls

I know it wasn’t, but the Uberrime Calaveras appeals to me on so many levels it almost feels like it was designed specially for me. The part of me that lives for the spooky and the macabre gets so excited by it I could scream with joy every time I look at it. I mean, glow in the dark skulls for testicles? I’m so fucking here for that! A planchette shaped base? Sign me up! Continue reading “Uberrime Calaveras Halloween Dildo Review” →

Uberrime Xenusoid Tentacle Dildo Review

Based in the sunny climes of Florida, Uberrime is a handmade sex toy company that produces some of the most gorgeous dildos I’ve ever had the pleasure to get my paws on. Their wares are all silicone, all body-safe, and come in all shapes and sizes. As soon as I laid my eyes on the myriad of designs and colours available, my want monster got the boner of its life. Not long after, Uberrime’s charming and very friendly owner, Marco, granted me the opportunity to choose any product I wanted for review. Well, those of you who know me won’t be at all surprised to hear that I picked a tentacle. And now it’s time for me to wax lyrical about the gloriousness that is the Uberrime Xenusoid.

Uberrime Xenusoid Tentacle Dildo Review, image of a green, orange, blue and yellow tentacle with a black base, a white envelope printed with Uberrime's logo, on a black background covered in multicoloured spiders and webs

Well, it will be after I give you a bit more info about who Uberrime is. As I said, the company is run by Marco. What I didn’t say is that it’s run exclusively by Marco. Yep, from the very first spark of an idea to the designing, sculpting, pouring, unmoulding, boxing up and shipping of every Uberrime piece, there’s just Marco. For the time being. Now that prominent stores in the US are beginning to stock Uberrime products and pretty much everyone who comes across them wants one, I predict that he’s gonna have to start staffing the joint up. Continue reading “Uberrime Xenusoid Tentacle Dildo Review” →

Blush Avant P1 Pride Dildo Review

At the start of your pegging adventures, you’ll likely be on the lookout for small to medium sized dildos. If you’re in the early stages of anal play you might want those dildos to be soft and textureless. And to reach the P-Spot (or G-Spot if you’re doing strap-on play with a vulva owner) you’re probably looking at dildos with curved shafts and ‘hooked’ or bulbous tips. If that sounds like a quest you’re currently on, the Blush Avant P1 Pride Dildo could be the one for you.

Blush Avant P1 Pride Dildo Review, rainbow dildo in white and purple packaging with rainbow Pride by Avant Text

I absolutely adore the appearance of this dildo. I mean, how could I not? It’s bright, bold, and super cheerful. Each colour is separated from the next in clean, crisp blocks, and the orange stripe is practically neon. I’ve intentionally put the Avant P1 at the front of my dildo shelf (with another couple of rainbow dildos) so that whenever I open the cupboard door I get a burst of colour right in the face. Because, really, is there anything in the world more uplifting than the sight of a rainbow? Continue reading “Blush Avant P1 Pride Dildo Review” →

Hankey’s Toys Seahorse Dildo

Have you ever had someone tell you that your eyes are bigger than your belly? Kinda makes you blush, right? Well, imagine how red my cheeks went when the Fella took one look at the Hankey’s Toys Seahorse Dildo and suggested that I had eyes bigger than my cunt.

Hankey's Toys Seahorse Dildo Review - metallic green textured toy on dark green background

Why’d I blush? Cos it was never my intention that such a massive toy would fit through my front door. I blushed when I had to explain that I was bringing it in through the back. I’ve had to take a few jokey comments about how big my arsehole must be after past reviews. I’ve been asked how I manage to hold my shit in (I mean, who the fuck asks a question like that, though?!). So, given all of that, I was momentarily sensitive about my penchant for big assed dildos. Continue reading “Hankey’s Toys Seahorse Dildo” →