Okay, so this is possibly my weirdest personal ritual and I confess that I don’t feel particularly comfortable sharing it because it’s kinda fucked up. While it’s something I’ve done almost my entire adult life, it isn’t a physical thing. It takes place entirely in my head and I do it whenever sadness, frustration, resentment, fear and rage combine to overwhelm me to the point of sobbing exhaustion. Basically, I systematically destroy myself, and when I’m finished I feel oddly at peace.
Be aware that I talk about pretty much everything that ever required a content warning, so if there’s any subject that triggers you, proceed with caution.
When things get too much for me and the part of me that the world sees shuts down, the part that only I know awakens. It’s the part of me that offers up cinematic responses to overwhelming situations, almost like mental self-defence. I see myself getting up and walking away from people – mid-sentence – when I don’t want to hear whatever it is they have to say. I see myself screaming, throwing things. And yes, sometimes I even see myself smacking certain people right in the mouth. My mind shows me reacting to things in ways that would provide the most satisfaction in the moment, but I’m always left feeling worse once that moment is gone because this is the point where guilt and shame at my own violent impulses set in. Continue reading “Imaginary Self-Destruction”
