Backseat Deal

This story I started out as a Wicked Wednesday post. The prompt was hand-holding, which happens to fit nicely with one of my favourite ways to give the Fella a handjob. But I didn’t get it finished before the deadline so decided to change my personal piece into a bit of erotica. I combined what I had with an idea I had for Kink of the Week, et voila. 

A few weeks ago, my best friend Jace and I made a deal. See, we each have something we want but can no longer get it from the people who used to give it to us. So instead we’ve decided to swap favours. Do one another a solid. He’s going to scratch my back and I’m… you get the picture.

That’s why we’re wedged into the back seat of his little banger, Jace with unbuttoned jeans and me with my tits out. It’s not all that late in the day, but the country lane we’re parked on is lined with trees that overhang the road so it’s pretty dark inside the car. I can’t see his face to properly gauge how he’s feeling. And that means he can’t see mine either, so unless one of us breaks the ice we’ll be sat here hanging out probably indefinitely. Continue reading “Backseat Deal”

Uberrime Xenuphora Tentacle Dildo Review

If you’re a lover of Hentai you’re basically spoilt for choice at Uberrime. I mean, most places that make fantasy sex toys have a tentacle somewhere in their catalogue, but Uberrime has a whole family of them. Like em little and chunky? Check out the Tentare for Tango bullet sleeve, which is a perfectly respectable insertable size for those who like it shallow. Prefer them long and slim? Have a look at the Xenusoid. But if you’re after a middling length, beautifully textured piece, then the Uberrime Xenuphora might be the one for you.

Scandarella's Uberrime Xenuphora Tentacle Dildo Review, image of a sparkly white silicone tentacle with blue and orange colour splashes

While the other tentacle toys in this wee line fit very well within Uberrime’s intended sci-fi theme, the Xenuphora has more of an oceanic vibe to it. With its stingray shaped tip and its coral-esque base, it really does sing to me of the sea. Continue reading “Uberrime Xenuphora Tentacle Dildo Review”

Dial 19-50-CANDY

Image owned by (and of) the beautiful Candy Snatch Reviews

This piece is basically me flexing my fingers in practice for #EUPHOFF. To be honest, the only thing sexy about it is the picture of Candy at the top but I’m publishing it anyway cos it made me giggle. Hope it gives you a smile, too.

19-50-CANDY what’s your pleasure…

Uh, yeah. Hi. So I, uh, I was cruisin’ just now and decided to hit Jenny’s for an ice cream float. While I was takin’ a leak, I lamped your picture stuck to the wall. I don’t usually… but wowee, you are one hot mama. A total knockout. Anyway, the card said to give you a bell for a good time and I couldn’t resist callin’.

Tell me what you want, Big Daddy… Continue reading “Dial 19-50-CANDY”

Blush Novelties Ruse D Thang Dildo Review

One of my favourite ‘Big Brands’ is Blush Novelties. I’ve been lucky enough to try many of their products over the last few years. Squishies from the Real Nude line. Adorable plugs from the Play with Me line. And a few lovely pieces from the Ruse line, the first of which was the Blush Novelties Ruse D Thang Dildo.

Blush Novelties Ruse D Thang Dildo Review, image showing a slim, pink dildo inside of its black and multi-coloured packaging

The first thing anyone who can see colour is gonna notice about the D Thang is how pink its silicone is. Ye gods, it’s shocking. Neon pink. Nuclear pink. So pink it almost glows in broad frigging daylight. If you love pink you’re laughing, but if not, well…you don’t have to look at it once it’s between your legs unless you really want to. Personally, I like it. I’m not always a pink person, but when I am I get a kick out of how violent this shade actually is. Continue reading “Blush Novelties Ruse D Thang Dildo Review”

Love Links #23

Just a quickie this week, folks, cos I be super busy. I have paid work to power through and I really need to get it done not just because it’s due but also because I’m obsessed with The Umbrella Academy on Netflix and I must continue watching. I honestly can’t remember the last time a show made me properly LOL all the way through and my life now depends on all that giggling. Here are a few hot picks that I’ve read this week, I hope you enjoy them 😎 Continue reading “Love Links #23”

Paloqueth Ultra Realistic Dual Density Dildo Review

In the not too distant past, if I was ever asked about my ‘desert island sex toy’ I would toggle between the Njoy Pure Wand and the Doxy. Both awesome and equally deserving of a lifetime partnership with me in paradise. But more recently, my answer to that question isn’t so specific. In fact, it’s generic, cos all I’ll say is ‘a dildo’. Long story short, I frigging love dildos. Big ones, little ones, realistic ones, far out fantasy ones, they’re my absolute favourite type of sex toy. But when I approached the Paloqueth Ultra Realistic Dual Density Dildo it was with a critical eye, because, Paloqueth who?

Paloqueth Ultra Realistic Dual Density Dildo Review, image of a caucasian skin-toned realistic dildo on a black background

No, I’d never heard of Paloqueth before they rocked up in my emails looking for reviewers. When I first looked at their stuff, I admit to doing a little harrumph and disregarding their dildos as mislabelled rubber and their vibes as subpar white label rubbish. I won’t hide anything from y’all, lovely readers, the reason I ended up with this dildo and a bondage kit of theirs was cos they paid me to review them. Continue reading “Paloqueth Ultra Realistic Dual Density Dildo Review”

I Love Lucille

I shouldn’t be in here. Not much of the place is off limits to us, but his place…well, it goes without saying that we’re just not allowed in. My mother once said curiosity would kill me, but her prophecy will only come true today if he catches me. My luck has held so far. It got me here despite everything going on out there. Really, if I have to die I would have it be his way. Quick and final. I don’t want to still be once I’m gone.

He doesn’t have as much in the way of belongings. I’d expected a leader like him would have everything that could still be used. I mean, he does have the dart board and the pool table, the TV, DVD and the generators to use them. And the bar. He has that, too.

But it’s all out there where other people can see that he has it. Symbols scattered around this battered old factory to show the man has status. Power. Look at me, they say, the world is fucked beyond comprehension and I can still rack up and shoot pool if I want to. I’m owning this shit. Continue reading “I Love Lucille”

Uberrime Jellyfish Glow in the Dark Dildo Review

Last week, I wrote a review that about a sex toy that makes all my alien impregnation fantasies come true. Today, I’m all about a dildo from one of my fave toy makers. A dildo that transports me to one of my ultimate fantasy settings…under da sea! Exclusively available at SheVibe, it’s the Uberrime Jellyfish Glow in the Dark Dildo.

Uberrime Jellyfish Glow in the Dark Dildo Review, image showing a blue and purple silicone semi-realistic dildo with a heavily veined shaft and smooth head

As I’ve said many a time, I love Uberrime to the moon and back. Their designs are beautiful, unusual, and arousing, and they produce some stunning colour combos. They have a few SheVibe exclusives on the go, all of them aquatic in nature and all very much on my ‘I gotta hit it’ hitlist. You can get yo’self some Aquaman action with the Aqua King, take on a tantalising Tentacle, or, as I have, you can get jiggy with the Jellyfish. Continue reading “Uberrime Jellyfish Glow in the Dark Dildo Review”

I Don’t Figging Think So

Have you ever had one of those ‘monkey see, monkey do’ moments that, while they seemed to go well for someone else, tend to go spectacularly wrong for you? You’re human, so I’m guessing you probably have, and God knows I have.

When I spied the latest Kink of the Week, I cringed so hard I got cramp but I knew I had to write this piece for it. What’s the topic, I hear you ask? Figging. The topic is Figging, which is the art of inserting fresh ginger root into one or more of your intimate entrances.

Now, it probably makes sense to tell you that the first time I read about figging it wasn’t in a BDSM setting. It was a book about ye olde punishments, and I learnt that slipping ginger into a woman’s frilly bits was once a penalty for indulging in lascivious behaviour. I’ve had fresh ginger invade cuts and get up my nose while cooking so my reaction at the time of reading was, how very fucking cruel. Cos it hurts a canny bit, you know? Almost as much as getting fresh chilli in your eye does. Continue reading “I Don’t Figging Think So”

Love Links #22

Something that never fails to shock the shit out of me is seeing the date I published my last blog-link love-in. It never feels like it, but months and months pass and I’m left wondering (hoping?) I’ve been abducted by aliens cos where the fuck do all those days go?

See, while I do my very best to read my fellow bloggers works of wonder as often as I can, I nearly always do it from my mobile phone. When I find something I love I take screenshots, telling myself that they’ll help me remember which posts I wanted to share. And I promise myself that, when I’m putting my post together on the computer, I’ll try to comment or at least abuse the like button to let folks know that I’ve stopped by. Then I purge my phone’s gallery and lose all the sodding screenshots.

Times are a’changin’ though, cos I got a miraculous thing this week and it’s super sad how much it’s transformed the way I do things. Folks, I’m 39 in a few months and I just got my first table-top planner. A pretty paper and pen job that’s turned me from a tit who’s constantly chasing her own tail to someone who, you know, plans stuff. And it works even better than my bujo! Well, not when it comes to tracking my water intake and my poops, but I digress.

But yeah, instead of screenshots that get lost, I use the planner. A quick note of the bloggers’ names reminds me I wanna share their shit. And I can’t lose this list like I do Post-Its cos it’s massive. Thus, the first fruit of this new organisational marvel is the comeback of Love Links! Enjoy, folks 🖤 Continue reading “Love Links #22”