Doing It by the Book

Glenda has a new book. It’s one of those books. A… shh… a sex book. She bought it because things aren’t going so well in that department for Arthur and herself. At first, she’d thought it was because they were new at it. You see, neither of them had done it before they were married. Arthur confessed on their wedding night that he’d taken himself in hand on occasion (those occasions were actually uncountable, though he didn’t tell his bride that) but Glenda blushed when she admitted that she had not.

Arthur had wondered at her confession because of course she had not. Why would she, a woman, do such a thing? After an awkward fumbling of buttons and arranging of fabrics in the dark, they’d finally come together. Well, that is somewhat misleading. Arthur came, Glenda did not. Continue reading “Doing It by the Book”

Hole Punch Toys Mother Interior Review

If you’re a reader of Scandarella erotica, you might have picked up on something quite personal about me. As well as my love for the spooky and macabre, I really get off on writing the profane. The blasphemous. For some reason, I adore picking bits of scripture and warping them, taking religious imagery and sexing it the fuck up. So it feels super on-brand of me to be reviewing a dildo in the shape of a nun. Yep, the lovely folks from SheVibe have given me a shot at the Hole Punch Toys Mother Interior and it is magnificent.

I’m not gonna lie, I was initially drawn to this shapely piece of sacrilege purely because of how it looks. It’s tongue in cheek at best, downright blasphemous at worst, and therefore fully awesome in my opinion. When the Fella first saw it, he laughed uncomfortably and said, “Oh my God, that’s so offensive.” I mean, not no. But this coming from a guy who stood behind me while I watched porn full of priest-on-nun action… it just reeks of hypocrisy and I’m having nun of it. Lol. News just in, my pun game is weak. Continue reading “Hole Punch Toys Mother Interior Review”

An Abandoned Chapter


Image used with permission of Little Switch Bitch. To see it in its original home, click here.

As a rule, my stories are all written on the day they’re published. But not this time. This post is what it looks like when I cheat because I lifted this partial chapter from an abandoned project that I started in 2016. When I saw this week’s Masturbation Monday prompt I couldn’t help but think of this scene, so I’ve decided to share it with y’all. It’s a long one, though, so get comfy before going in. Enjoy, folks.

I stared at the golden numbers in front of me, wondering for the thousandth time since I’d arrived at Glenville Royal Hotel just what the hell I was doing.

Every step of the way here, I’d fully intended to head to room sixty-four to spend the night with my boss and apparently on-again lover. I’d scrambled into the lift, telling the guy beside me that I was going to the second floor, only to still be standing there, smiling awkwardly, when he vacated on the fourth. I went all the way up to the top floor, palm sweating around the card with one six nine hand-printed in the corner. Continue reading “An Abandoned Chapter”

Whose Shame is it Anyway?


This post isn’t an erotic one. It’s my first contribution to a new writing meme run by the lovely sub_Bee. It’s a link up called ‘Menstruation Matters’ and you’ll find all kinds of posts there by all kinds of people, all sharing their experiences with a goal of normalising and destigmatising menstruation. Check out the link at the bottom of this post when you’re done reading if you want to know more.  

Period sex. Some people love it so much they actively seek it out. Others hate it so much they actively avoid it. And some folks don’t care one way or another, cos a fuck is a fuck is a fuck and a bit of blood isn’t gonna put a dampener on things.

When I was younger, I would always insist that period sex either happened in the shower or it didn’t happen at all. So off to the shower we would go, and the hot water would wash away the mess even as we made it. Continue reading “Whose Shame is it Anyway?”

Uberrime Helios Dildo Review

It’s Uberrime time! I love this brand so much, folks. How much? Top five brands ever much. I have a handful of their products in my review queue (all of them stunning) and the first pick out of that box for the new year is the Uberrime Helios Dildo.

Uberrime Helios Dildo Review, image showing an orange, white and black ribbed dildo and a white thank you card, on a black background

Okay, I kinda lied there. I didn’t take the Helios out of my review box cos it’s never been in it. Nope, it’s lived in my ‘quick grab’ cupboard because when I want it I want it, I don’t want to have to rummage.

After 5 years of cramming stuff into my cunt and then writing about it, I’ve become very finely attuned to what does and doesn’t work for me. I know that if I don’t have a curve, I like a bulbous tip. If I don’t have texture, I like girth, and that I like more length than I can take so that I have something to hold on to. And the Uberrime Helios ticks all my boxes in the best of ways. Continue reading “Uberrime Helios Dildo Review”

Just One More

Image owned by Adrian Kenney

“Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!”

Ugh, I should have grabbed a towel to dry my hands instead of my t-shirt, my belly feels all clammy with dirty dishwater. Shit, I’m breaking my fucking neck, now! Chew toys all over the floor again, this sodding dog! Don’t stop, don’t stop, please, no, don’t…

“Bugger.”

I always get to that damned phone a second after it stops ringing. Charlie can whine all she likes, I’m gonna have the landline taken out altogether, it’s a pain in my arse. There’s no point to it anyway now that everyone and their dog has a mobile. See, mine is buzzing right now and I don’t have to flee all over the house to answer it cos it basically lives in my pocket. It’s something I will never, ever misplace. Continue reading “Just One More”

Split Peaches Rivetor Dildo Review

Do you have a nemesis? Is there someone or something out there that is the Joker to your Batman, the Loki to your Thor, the Doofenshmirtz to your Perry the frigging platypus? Well, today I’m gonna introduce you to mine. Folks, meet the Split Peaches Rivetor that the lovely bods at Betty’s Toy Box kindly sent my way. The dildo that, for a while there, had me convinced that my vagina had finally met its match.

Split Peaches Rivetor Dildo Review, image showing a large, curved, studded rainbow dildo with a nut shaped base, on a black background

Yeah, I really struggled to get on with this one. I wailed and moaned, bitched and whinged, but for a long while I just couldn’t figure out how to even get it in me without bringing tears to my own eyes. And do you know what caused it? Damn, never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever find myself typing these words, but it was the texture. Let me explain… Continue reading “Split Peaches Rivetor Dildo Review”

Bad Dragon Apollo Dildo Review

If you’re into fantasy dildos, especially those inspired by winged serpents that breathe fire, you’ll probably know all about Bad Dragon. They’re the creators of some of the most stunning dildos I’ve ever gazed upon. About half a year ago, I reviewed what could possibly be the most gorgeous Bad Dragon dildo I’m ever likely to come all over across. Now, after a lot of practice, it’s time to review its travel companion, and they’re about as different as two dildos can get. Yeah, it’s time for me to tell y’all what I think of my rather large Bad Dragon Apollo.

Bad Dragon Apollo Dildo Review, image of a large silicone dildo in a metallic gold to copper fade, with dragon scales, a large knot,, and a scaled base

Quite simply, I love it. I love everything about it. Its shape, its design, its colour. And, after some trial and error, I learned to love its size. See, as I said in my last review, picking dildo sizes while even remotely horny is a shitty idea. But I really can’t help myself. Whenever I’m faced with size options I go in thinking, know your limits, Ella, but as soon as it comes down to it I’m like, FILL ME WITH THE BIGGEST BASTARD YOU HAVE AVAILABLE!! Which is exactly what I did when I did my custom picks for the Bad Dragon Apollo. Continue reading “Bad Dragon Apollo Dildo Review”

Mr Hankey’s Dragon Dildo Review

It’s Scandarella’s Big Dong Day! The day of my reviewing year that’s dedicated to big, bold silicone dicks. In 2017 I gushed about this creepy number, and last year things got a wee bit magical. This year? This year I’m playing around with massive myths, with not one but two dragon dildo reviews going live this week. The first of the two is the delicious Mr Hankey’s Dragon Dildo.

Mr Hankey's Dragon Dildo Review, image of a huge green silicone dildo with small scales and large amroured plated on a black glittery background

I’m no stranger to Hankey’s Toys, having reviewed their BFG and Seahorse dildos during 2018 while having the Dragon and one other dong (review coming soon!) waiting in the wings for this year. And do you know what? They’ve never failed to impress me. From first communication to delivery, every aspect of my Hankey’s experience has been positive. They’re a friendly bunch and super accommodating, which is a good thing given that they run a customisation service. Continue reading “Mr Hankey’s Dragon Dildo Review”

Unnervingly Unnatural

When I saw what the latest Kink of the Week topic was, I knew I had to take part, and I knew I had to ramble on about my own wonky self rather than weave a web of fiction.

See, I’ve made it no secret that I’m a lover of teeth. They’re the first thing I notice about a person and there’s nothing that makes my belly flip harder than a crooked toothed smile. Honestly, I love it when someone cracks out a grin and I spot a wonky (or pointed) canine or a chipped front tooth. It’s enough to make someone beautiful to me. I like bodies, sure, but even the most perfect of forms can lose its appeal for me if I don’t find its owner’s smile attractive.

Why am I going on about teeth in a post about eyes? Continue reading “Unnervingly Unnatural”