Erotic Advent Calendar

Whenever I’ve had advent calendars they’ve always been either chocolate or candles. One time, I had a wooden one that the Fella filled with small ornaments for the tree but bugger knows where that went. Though I’ve seen sexy advent calendars before, I’ve never had an opportunity to try one…until now! Yep, the lovely folks at Orion have sent me this rather large Erotic Advent Calendar to plough through this December, so I’m gonna do something different…

Instead of ripping the whole thing open and glutting myself on its contents, I’m gonna do it properly. A box a day, for 24 days. If you knew how much will it’s taking me to not peek you’d probably be shocked. I’m a notorious scratch ‘n’ sniffer who looks in all the nooks and crannies for hidden presents and I’ve even been known to snuffle around in pockets looking for receipts. I know, I’m so ashamed.

Anyway, before I crack on with the first box, I’ll tell you a bit about this big black box. For a start, it’s a biggun. I honestly didn’t expect it to be as big as it is, which was probably a bit daft seeing as though it’s got 24 sex toys in it. It’s 18″ in length, 15.5″ in width, and 3.5″ in depth. The back of it is gold and has a few brand logos on there (all of them Orion’s own brands), and two of the edges are golden, too. A pair of doors, one printed with a Christmas message and the other featuring a hot (heterosexual) couple doing hot things, is held together with white ribbon. So far, so sexy!

Opening it up reveals identical wording and imagery on the insides of the doors, and in the middle are 24 super cute little boxes. They’re all different sizes and match the black/gold/white colour scheme of the outer box. If I’d been handed this as a gift by the Fella I’d have been absolutely delighted. It’s huge, attractive and well presented, though I can’t help but wish there was just a tad more Christmassyness to it. A bit of glitter, maybe, or even a little golden tree would have been enough. Other than that, I can’t wait to get stuck in!

December 1st

Before I opened the first box I discovered three things:

1) there’s a printed sheet in the box listing everything inside the calendar
2) the Fella spotted it before I knew it was there and he confiscated it
3) he’s been through every box so he knows exactly what’s coming and on what days

On the little box, there’s a sexy suggestion, this particular one being a dual stim fingering tip. That had me pretty excited just before I opened the box, cos I do love a bit of fingering, and I hoped there might have been a finger vibe of some variety inside. But nope. I felt a wee bit deflated when I whipped out a box of three Secura Kondome ‘Santa’s Coming’ condoms. They’re red – yes, I said RED – and strawberry flavoured. They’re not latex-free, they’re coated with silicone lube, and for some strange reason, they’re suitable for vaginal use only. Since when was a condom not good for anal?

December 2nd

December 2nd’s box is a biggun! Light, but big enough to get me wondering what could be inside. I guessed that it would be something like a blindfold or a pair of those cheese string undercrackers, but to my surprise – and delight – I found a pair of cuffs when I popped the lid. And what lovely cuffs they are.

They’re not the usual fluff covered plastic that you’d expect to find in a mystery box. Nope, they’re made of super smooth black silicone! They’re small with an inner circumference of about 6″, but they’re stretchy. I got them over my hands and around my 7″ wrists no problem, though they are a bit tight once they’re on. The hand loops have a lovely octagon shape around their edges, and the connector has a bit of detail, too. Silicone cuffs are perfect to have in the drawer for quickie use. They’re easy on and easy off, and as they’re pretty simple to escape from (if you’re not being watched, that is) they’re fab for those new to having their hands bound.

December 3rd

Day three’s box certainly fed the scratch ‘n’ sniffer in me. It rattled like there was something hard in it, and that’s cos there was. It wasn’t something I would ever have expected, though. I didn’t think I’d get a mini bottle of Eau de Parfum in a sexy advent calendar.

When I looked closer, though, it made more sense. It’s a pheromone perfume called Twilight Woman by a brand called HOT, and it comes in a 5ml spray bottle. Firstly, fuck its lid. It wouldn’t come off at first, then everything came off, pump, tube and all. Once I got that back together and the lid properly removed, the pump was leaking. It didn’t squirt quite right, either. Yeah, the bottle is crap.

Surprisingly, both me and the Fella quite like the perfume itself. Pheromone products like this are, in our opinions, placebos at best and bollocks at worst, and this one is no different. He didn’t sniff up and instantly want to ravage me, or even just comment that I smelled extra fuckable when I wandered past him wearing it. But it is quite pleasant, not at all overpowering, and it fades to a lovely soft musky fragrance after about an hour. It’s not something I would go out and buy more of (which I think is what this ‘taster box’ is all about), but I will use it all.

December 4th

I’ve discovered that, once I’ve opened the boxes and scooped out the goodies, putting them back into the calendar back to front starts to build a picture! It’s not gonna be the same as the one on and in the outer box, either. I hope there’s something Christmassy taking shape!

Anyway, inside of today’s box, I discovered a heart-shaped cardboard box. It’s an Erotic Heart by Tease & Please, and allegedly contains ‘21 sensual adventures for mutual pleasure’. Those adventure suggestions come in the form of little scrolls of paper like you’d find in a Christmas cracker, the words on them printed in four languages; English, German, French and Dutch.

 

Here is a couple I plucked at random:

Watch an erotic movie together and
let it inspire you to start
your own lovemaking. Maybe you will be better at it!
#
Dress up in clothing that your partner finds
attractive or a turn-on,
and seduce him/her as though you’ve just met for the first time.

Even though I know I won’t use something like this, I’m pleased to see this little box of prompts included. As cheesy as most of them are, if you step back and look at them for what they are – which is mostly a reminder to connect and be intimate and see where that leads – they’re a great little tool for injecting a bit of life back into long-term partner sex that’s gone a bit stale. They’re also fab icebreakers for the shy or unadventurous.

December 5th

Christmas in a bottle! This lovely little bottle of Xmas Massage Oil is my fave calendar find so far. I love massages to the point where I sometimes prefer them to sex. Pretty bold statement really, considering that I love sex so much I’ve made it part of my job.

Care is needed when upending this thing cos the stuff is like water and comes shooting out of the top at a breakneck speed. I’ve never come across such a thin oil before. Its base is paraffinum liquidum (no, it’s not a Harry Potter spell, it’s a medicinal liquid paraffin that’s widely used in cosmetics). That’s not all that great for the skin as it can block pores, but it’s not like you’ll be plastering this all over yo’self on the daily so it’s no big deal.

It spreads brilliantly so a little goes a long way. It doesn’t dry up quickly so there’s no real need to reapply. And when it eventually gets absorbed by the skin it doesn’t go tacky, it just leaves lovely softness in its wake. I think that could be because of the jojoba oil in it.

And Lordy Lord, the fragrance is literally Christmas. Well, my kinda Christmas, anyway. It’s pretty much cinnamon apples and those are the scents I lean toward at this time of year. From what I can tell from the ingredients list there are no natural oils in this, though. The smell is synthetic. But I don’t care about that because once I’ve had it on me I smell like an apple strudel and that’s a beautiful thing.

December 6th

Today I found the first buzz of the box! It was obvious that there’d be some kinda vibe floating around in one of the mini-boxes, but I honestly thought it wouldn’t be revealed until Christmas Eve. That’s how it usually works, right? The biggest treat is saved until last?

There could be something better to come on the 24th but for now, I have a classic black, silver trimmed vibrator by You2Toys to play with. It’s small in size, with an overall length of 6” and a 3.5” maximum girth. Made of ABS plastic with a soft touch finish, it’s perfectly safe for internal use. Adorning the base and making it look a bit more special than these things usually do is a very pretty acrylic gem. I can only describe its colours as an aurora borealis kinda thing, cos any motion at all has it sparkling and changing. The gem is well fixed into the base so isn’t likely fall out.

 

I can’t pretend I’m keen on this style of vibe, cos I’m just not. They’re too straight and, well… boring, really. This one runs on two AAA batteries and has a simple twist cap control, which is easy to use right up until you get wet fingers. The noise it makes sounds exactly like I remember my kiddie hairdryer sounding way back in the 80s. And the vibes? They’re what you’d expect from a two AAA battery toy. Super buzzy and not all that powerful. But, that’s not to say it’s rubbish, cos some people actively search for that type of sensation. They like it surface level, mild and tickly, and that’s exactly what this one delivers.

December 7th

I didn’t think a bottle of lube would be too far away, and I was right. Right there in box number seven is a 50ml bottle of Just Glide. I’ve reviewed quite a few products for Orion over the past year and a half, and my lovely contact, Sandra, often pops in a bottle of this stuff. So, I’m already very familiar with it.

The ingredients list doesn’t contain parabens, which is good, and there’s no glycerin either. That should make this lube safe for use for those who suffer from easily triggered yeast infections, but all is not as it seems. One of the ingredients is sorbitol, and that’s a sugar alcohol so if you do get regular yeast infections it could be one to watch.

Just Glide Medical Lubricant is a water-based lube that’s odourless and flavourless. It’s nice and thick so works well for anal penetration, and that makes it a good all-rounder cos it’s great for vaginal penetration and also oral. If you enjoy the taste of oral it’ll be great for you, but if not then you’re outta luck cos it does nothing to mask the taste of body fluids. It’s long-lasting, non-sticky, non-foaming – a pretty good lube for those who don’t need strict ingredients.

December 8th

You know what, I honestly think I get extra excited when these boxes rattle. This one was super noisy when I shook it, and I couldn’t wait to get my paws on whatever was inside. What did I find? The first true ‘novelty’ item I’ve pulled out of this calendar. It’s something I would expect to drop onto the carpet after I pulled a naughty Christmas cracker.

Yep, it’s a plastic keyring with a topless blonde printed on one side and it opens out on swivel joints, click by click, until blondie is gone and a 50cm long ruler has taken her place. I know, right?! Oddest thing ever, lol. At first, I thought it was company advertising merchandise. I’ve had pens, booklets, lanyards, and mugs before, so why not a tits out extendable ruler? But there’s no branding in sight, so that put paid to that idea.

Then I wondered if it might be a portable, collapsible spanking ruler (which would be frigging awesome) but it’s too unpredictable and flimsy for that. So, I guess it’s exactly what it looks like; a ruler. In to my writery things box it goes.

December 9th

As a sex toy reviewer, there’s one thing that I never want to (and probably never will) run out of…that thing is lube. Whether I’m so horny I’m sliding off the bed, or so unhorny my vulva is a bowl of dust, lube makes whatever sex thing I’m up to feel better. So I’m always happy to discover bottles in review packages, in with purchases, and of course, in this calendar. The bottle I got in today’s box is a 30ml helping of Just Glide Original Silicone Lubricant.

Like most silicone lubes there’s only two ingredients here; Dimethicone and Dimethiconol. It behaves like most silicone lubes, too. Super liquid, long lasting, fabulous for use during masturbation/sex in water, and it’ll stain any fabrics you spill it on no problem. It’s suitable for use with latex condoms and unsuitable for use with silicone sex toys. I’m in a warmed up stainless steel in the bath mood at the moment, so more silicone lube is good!

December 10th

In today’s box I found a blindfold! These are such simple things and for how inexpensive they are (they’re even given away with some products) every adult’s toy box should have at least one.

This one is one of those kidney-shaped satin jobs with the twin elasticated bands around the back. They’re soft and smooth, lightly padded and comfy to wear, provided you don’t get your hair tangled in the straps. They don’t block out all light and sight unless you gouge the fabric into your eyes, but they do the job well enough. I keep this style on hand for afternoon snoozes so that’s what I’ll use this one for.

December 11th

Hah, it’s another novelty! This time it’s a cock and balls shaped cookie cutter. No, I haven’t used it yet cos I’m ill. I’ll happily eat em, but I won’t bake em.

But I know that, when I do use it (which I can’t not, I mean, who doesn’t want dick biscuits at Christmas?) I’m gonna have to keep my eye on the cutter’s shape, cos it’s pretty flimsy and held together by…I don’t know what, by the bend n the metal, I think. I’m gonna have fun with it though. Y’all know what I’m gonna do with white icing, right?

December 12th

U-oh! The item in today’s box is the first thing to truly disappoint me in this calendar. I had been hoping that I’d find something for the penis, but I (possibly naïvely) didn’t expect it to be a jelly toy. So far, the quality of the products in this box has been okay, but this is just a nope.

What it is, is a super tight cock sleeve made of a clear jelly material. Both the top and bottom edges are ringed with little jelly nubs and the rest of the sleeve is covered in large, soft bumps. When I said super tight? I meant it. It pretty much strangled my fingers while I took the below photo, and even clung to just my index finger like it would die if it let go.

 

This isn’t a stroker by any stretch of the imagination, it’s intended to be worn on the penis to offer extra stimulation for a partner with a vagina. There’s a chance that it’ll act like a chunky cock ring, given that it is really tight but other than that I don’t know what a penis will get from it. The Fella suggested it has potential to give the illusion of penetrating a tighter orifice, but I’m not going with that cos I find it mildly offensive. I don’t have to ever worry about whether he wants to use it for my pleasure or to secretly make me feel tighter for him though, cos I ain’t ever having it inside me.

December 13th

Well, this little box of tricks has certainly redeemed itself today after the no-no that was yesterday’s offering. I hadn’t expected to find a bit of kink kit in this selection seeing that Orion offers an all kinky advent calendar, but I opened this box up today to find a very cute all black flogger.

I initially thought it was leather because the first thing to fall out of the box was a sachet of leather care solution, but on opening the baggie the flogger came in I discovered that it’s faux. It’s just a small flogger, measuring 13.5-inches all in, but it’s well-made.

The handle is simply wrapped and edged with two matching strips of fabric that are held in place with silver studs. We found the wrist strap to be too small to be worn during use so that’s more of a storage hanger than a safety thing.

Many mini floggers are a bit light on falls, but this one has fifty individual fronds so covers quite a nice surface area. It’s not a heavy toy and the mild blows it delivers only leave the faintest of stings, so I reckon it’ll be a great find for folks who haven’t ever tried impact play but are keen to do so.

December 14th

Well. Today’s surprise, while cute, is no good for me. Why? Cos it’s a pair of nipple stickers. Don’t get me wrong, they’re very pretty. They have a sunburst kinda design made of three different sized black acrylic gems that would look really hot on a pair of perky boobs. Unfortunately for me, perky isn’t a word that could ever be used to describe my 40Fs. My areola is wider than the entire sticker for a start. When my nips harden those areolas take on a wonky ring of Saturn shape, so that would further fuck up the look of these things.

I’ve said in past subscription box reviews that it pisses me off to find stuff I can’t use because of my body shape (tiny string knickers, nipple jewels, one size stockings etc) in ‘mystery boxes’. It draws attention to my flaws and kinda makes me feel bad. I know they can’t keep all the people happy all the time, but I would rather see a stretchy cock ring or a mini bullet vibe than something like this.

December 15th

To go with the pheromone perfume I opened up on the 3rd I now have a miniature bottle of Twilight Man Intense. Just like the one ‘for her’ there’s 5ml of scent in a weeny glass bottle. Everything about the packaging is the same as the other except it’s blue, and the cap didn’t drop to pieces on this one. It still sprays a bit chaotically though.

Scent wise, I don’t like it. It’s very powdery and old-fashioned smelling. In fact, it makes me think of the smellies my dad used to use when I was a kid and that ain’t attracting me to the Fella while he’s wearing it no matter how many pheromones it’s had pumped into it. He quite likes the scent but says it fades too quickly and does have an initial baby powder whiff to it. He’s put it in his drawer but I reckon he’ll end up using it to clean the back of his car radio (don’t ask) cos that’s how he uses up aftershaves that have gone iffy.

December 16th

Oh my God, today’s surprise put the biggest smile on my face! It’s just a simple ‘around the base’ cock ring with no vibes or attachments that swing low and ensnare the ballsack, but it’s Christmassy as fuck and I love it!

It’s a reindeer cock ring, people. It’s made of pure white silicone and it has antlers and ears. Christ on a bike, it makes me smile so much my cheeks hurt. With an internal diameter of 3.5cm it’s nice and snug, and it’s super stretchy so will accommodate a much girthier penis. The Fella tells me the antlers make getting it on much easier than a plain ring is and it sits comfy at the base of his cock without pinching or trying to roll back up.

While he likes it as a functional product he’s not as keen on the design as I am. My fault, because I think I annoyed him a bit while he was wearing it when I pretty much made a toy out of his dick. I’m not shitting you, I (drunkenly) bobbed it around and pretended it was talking to me about what I wanted for Christmas and stuff. He can roll his eyes and tell me to grow up all he wants, I’ll just stick my tongue out and ignore him. Doing cock animals is fun and if he puts this ring on again Rudy the One-Eyed Reindick will make another appearance. So there.

December 17th

The seventeenth box from my Erotic Advent Calendar has brought me something I actually needed. I gave my kid my new tube of Chapstick on Friday just hours after I bought it, leaving myself without one. Opening up today’s box has given me a cute pot of Sweet Kiss Lip Balm. Hooray!

It comes in a little pink ball that screws in half to reveal 8g of Vaseline looking oily stuff. The main ingredient is paraffinuim liquidium and then there’s a list of unpronounceable words that’s as long as the bible. While the scent of the balm is quite strong the flavour is subtle so there’s no cloying sickly taste on application. It smears on smooth, lasts quite a while between reapplications, and to my surprise, it softens dry skin super quickly. After the first application, I literally rubbed the top layer off my lips and they were left feeling lovely and soft. I’m pleased I found this balm in my box today.

December 18th

“Noooooo!”

That there was pretty much my reaction when I opened box 18 and found something I hate. When this Erotic Advent Calendar first arrived I prayed to the ghost of Christmas present that wouldn’t get a cat’s cradle style pair of knickers, but I did.

They’re made of red nylon strings with two black mesh panels that are about the width of two of my fingers. Being elasticated the strings stretch to accommodate bodies between UK 10 – 20. That rules me out right out of the gate (I reckon if I was a size 20 it would cut me in half so it’s definitely one for the smaller bods out there) and that miffed me a bit. Companies need to learn to not include anything in a mystery box that has to be worn unless they offer size options. There’s nothing more disheartening than getting something that doesn’t fit.

December 19th

Sing it with me, folks! “On the 19th of December, my advent calendar gave to me… 12 pairs of tiiiits!”

Yep, I got a calendar in my calendar. It’s called Pocket Girls 2018 and each month has a very naked woman posed all nude and with no clothes on. It’s a page a month and the spaces are too small to accommodate anything more than one person’s birthday.

When I expressed this to the Fella he laughed at me for even trying to assess it as a functional item. He said, “It’s pocket porn, flower. No one is ever gonna use that as a calendar, they’re gonna keep it in their glove box and they’ll use it for danger wanks in places they shouldn’t.” Man’s got a point.

December 20th

Finally, something for my butt! Today’s surprise is a very cute purple butt plug with a purple gem in the base. It’s smallish, measuring just over 3.25” in overall length with a girth of 4.5”. If you’re familiar with So Divine’s Booty Plug line, you’ll recognise this one as being very similar. It’s probably about the same size as their medium plug. The gem has the same removeable setting as the Wild Thing from that range, except the calendar offering isn’t as good quality.

 

The silicone and actual plug are both fine, but the gem looks like it’s been glued in at some point but has shifted. The silvery stuff that makes plastic gems reflective has peeled and when I touch the base it makes a crinkly sound. And that damage is clearly visible when I look directly at the gem. The base isn’t very sturdy, either, and it does let in fluids during play and washing.

But as a plug, it’s easy to insert and comfy to wear so if the box was opened by someone unused to anal stuff it would make a fab first taste.

December 21st

Oh man. In my experience of advent calendars, each day that passes usually brings something a little better than the day before until, on Christmas Eve (or day, for the fancy 25-day ones), you get something ace. A big chocolate instead of a teeny one. A votive candle instead of a tealight, or a full-sized nail polish instead of a mini.

In today’s box I discovered a pinkity pink bullet vibe with a TPE sleeve. It’s a finger vibrator by You2Toys and I don’t like it. TPE is a crappy material so I won’t use it on my genitals, and ABS the bullet on its own is one speed and as buzzy as fuck.

As usually happens, though, the Fella likes it. He likes the buzzy buzz of the vibes, but he also likes the soft pointy nature of the sleeve. It’s got nubs and stuff on so drags against his skin and it just works well on his balls while I give him head.

December 22nd

On the twenty-second day of December, my Erotic Advent Calendar gave to me, a super cute bunny cock ring. And when I say cute I mean cute. Even though my success with vibrating cock rings is insignificant given how many I’ve tried, I still love to get priddy ones, and bunny-eared cock rings are so sweet.

This one is made of bright pink silicone. The ring is quite stretchy but it’ll strangle any cock with a girth bigger than 6-inches. The Fella tells me it’s eye-wateringly tight and I know for a fact that, when it comes to enhancing and prolonging an erection, it does its job well.

When it comes to clit stim, though, it’s not so good. The ears don’t feel terrible and they’re long enough and slim enough to reach, but the bullet that powers them is terrible. It’s a little 2″ capsule that twists in half to expose two watch batteries. It’s basically pointless, the vibes aren’t nearly strong enough to travel through the silicone never mind being stimulating. The little ticklers don’t add anything either, they’re just weird.

December 23rd

The penultimate box has been reached. At this point, I’m wondering what I’m yet to find in this calendar. So far I’ve had butt stuff, novelty items, condoms, vibes and lube, so I opened this one hoping it would be some kind of stroker. Like, an actual stroker rather than that jelly thing I got earlier in the month.

Well, a stroker didn’t appear when I opened the box, but I was pretty happy with what did. A Hot Nights perfumed candle in a weeny tin. The scent is something I love: Turkish delight! Not the chocolate covered one, but the squares of it that come dredged in icing sugar in cute little boxes. The pink ones that smell like sugared roses.

That’s all fab, but the thing is, if I didn’t have experience with stuff like this I’d have no idea how to use it. There’s nothing on the tin to say whether it’s a massage candle or a room scenter. It does say it’s a massage candle on the contents card, apparently, but as I said earlier the Fella hid that from me. He made me guess and because the candle immediately turned to oil when I touched it with warm fingers I knew what it was. That’s not a safe test, though, and anyone who had thrown the contents card away to make sure every box contained a surprise might choose not to risk using it. That would be a shame cos it’s quite nice.

December 24th

Finale! I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been dying to know what I’d find in this box. It’s about 6-inches long and as I haven’t had a dildo yet I was hoping it would be that. But as soon as I got it in my hands I knew it wouldn’t be, it’s just too light. What I plucked out of it was a little disappointing. It’s a wired vibrating love egg.

Now, I’m not saying these are bad toys. I know of some things in this style that make it onto blogger’s ‘best budget buys’ lists. I just don’t personally like them anymore. The red colour is lovely, though. Transparent so you can see all the gubbins, both in the controller and the egg itself, but lovely all the same. But we’re talking buzzy vibes, noise, an annoying flat-wheel control…I just don’t love it at all.

VERDICT

So, that’s everything I got in my Erotic Advent Calendar from Orion. Some of the pieces I’ve loved, and some I’ve put straight in the bin. Sometimes when writing reviews I have to make myself look at products from the point of view of someone who doesn’t have the enormous collection of a sex blogger. That’s what I’ve tried to do here, but there are parts where I slipped into picky Ella mode. But I do know that folks with small collections, folks who are just starting to build theirs, and possibly folks that are just starting to introduce toys into their play with their partner/s would definitely be in for a lot of fun with it. Opening it together to find out what you’ve got and then chatting about how you can fit it into your play is exciting.

There’s a bit of kink with the flogger, a bit of pampering with the candle, anal exploration with the plug, internal and external vibrations…a little bit of every category has made it into this box. Well, with the exception of something made specifically to stimulate the penis for the sake of the penis owner and not whoever they’re dancing with. If I ever get to try anything like this again I’d like to see less string knickers, no jelly, a small silicone dildo, and maybe a better quality vibrator. Those things would massively improve the quality of the box.

But, yeah. It’s good value for what I got. Nobody is gonna love every item, but there’s enough for everyone to get at least something that does it for them. This box is now discontinued, but you have a good idea of what to expect from big bumper calendars like this should you chance upon them in 2018. If you want to give one a shot start looking for one end of October/beginning of November, as they often sell out quickly.

The Erotic Advent Calendar was sent to me by Orion Versand in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influences my opinions, which are now, and will forever be, my own. No affiliate links have been used in this post.

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