Erotic Advent Calendar

Whenever I’ve had advent calendars they’ve always been either chocolate or candles. One time, I had a wooden one that the Fella filled with small ornaments for the tree but bugger knows where that went. Though I’ve seen sexy advent calendars before, I’ve never had an opportunity to try one…until now! Yep, the lovely folks at Orion have sent me this rather large Erotic Advent Calendar to plough through this December, so I’m gonna do something different…

Instead of ripping the whole thing open and glutting myself on its contents, I’m gonna do it properly. A box a day, for 24 days. If you knew how much will it’s taking me to not peek you’d probably be shocked. I’m a notorious scratch ‘n’ sniffer who looks in all the nooks and crannies for hidden presents and I’ve even been known to snuffle around in pockets looking for receipts. I know, I’m so ashamed.

Anyway, before I crack on with the first box, I’ll tell you a bit about this big black box. For a start, it’s a biggun. I honestly didn’t expect it to be as big as it is, which was probably a bit daft seeing as though it’s got 24 sex toys in it. It’s 18″ in length, 15.5″ in width, and 3.5″ in depth. The back of it is gold and has a few brand logos on there (all of them Orion’s own brands), and two of the edges are golden, too. A pair of doors, one printed with a Christmas message and the other featuring a hot (heterosexual) couple doing hot things, is held together with white ribbon. So far, so sexy!

Opening it up reveals identical wording and imagery on the insides of the doors, and in the middle are 24 super cute little boxes. They’re all different sizes and match the black/gold/white colour scheme of the outer box. If I’d been handed this as a gift by the Fella I’d have been absolutely delighted. It’s huge, attractive and well presented, though I can’t help but wish there was just a tad more Christmassyness to it. A bit of glitter, maybe, or even a little golden tree would have been enough. Other than that, I can’t wait to get stuck in!

December 1st

Before I opened the first box I discovered three things:

1) there’s a printed sheet in the box listing everything inside the calendar
2) the Fella spotted it before I knew it was there and he confiscated it
3) he’s been through every box so he knows exactly what’s coming and on what days

On the little box, there’s a sexy suggestion, this particular one being a dual stim fingering tip. That had me pretty excited just before I opened the box, cos I do love a bit of fingering, and I hoped there might have been a finger vibe of some variety inside. But nope. I felt a wee bit deflated when I whipped out a box of three Secura Kondome ‘Santa’s Coming’ condoms. They’re red – yes, I said RED – and strawberry flavoured. They’re not latex-free, they’re coated with silicone lube, and for some strange reason, they’re suitable for vaginal use only. Since when was a condom not good for anal?

December 2nd

December 2nd’s box is a biggun! Light, but big enough to get me wondering what could be inside. I guessed that it would be something like a blindfold or a pair of those cheese string undercrackers, but to my surprise – and delight – I found a pair of cuffs when I popped the lid. And what lovely cuffs they are.

They’re not the usual fluff covered plastic that you’d expect to find in a mystery box. Nope, they’re made of super smooth black silicone! They’re small with an inner circumference of about 6″, but they’re stretchy. I got them over my hands and around my 7″ wrists no problem, though they are a bit tight once they’re on. The hand loops have a lovely octagon shape around their edges, and the connector has a bit of detail, too. Silicone cuffs are perfect to have in the drawer for quickie use. They’re easy on and easy off, and as they’re pretty simple to escape from (if you’re not being watched, that is) they’re fab for those new to having their hands bound.

December 3rd

Day three’s box certainly fed the scratch ‘n’ sniffer in me. It rattled like there was something hard in it, and that’s cos there was. It wasn’t something I would ever have expected, though. I didn’t think I’d get a mini bottle of Eau de Parfum in a sexy advent calendar.

When I looked closer, though, it made more sense. It’s a pheromone perfume called Twilight Woman by a brand called HOT, and it comes in a 5ml spray bottle. Firstly, fuck its lid. It wouldn’t come off at first, then everything came off, pump, tube and all. Once I got that back together and the lid properly removed, the pump was leaking. It didn’t squirt quite right, either. Yeah, the bottle is crap.

Surprisingly, both me and the Fella quite like the perfume itself. Pheromone products like this are, in our opinions, placebos at best and bollocks at worst, and this one is no different. He didn’t sniff up and instantly want to ravage me, or even just comment that I smelled extra fuckable when I wandered past him wearing it. But it is quite pleasant, not at all overpowering, and it fades to a lovely soft musky fragrance after about an hour. It’s not something I would go out and buy more of (which I think is what this ‘taster box’ is all about), but I will use it all.

December 4th

I’ve discovered that, once I’ve opened the boxes and scooped out the goodies, putting them back into the calendar back to front starts to build a picture! It’s not gonna be the same as the one on and in the outer box, either. I hope there’s something Christmassy taking shape!

Anyway, inside of today’s box, I discovered a heart-shaped cardboard box. It’s an Erotic Heart by Tease & Please, and allegedly contains ‘21 sensual adventures for mutual pleasure’. Those adventure suggestions come in the form of little scrolls of paper like you’d find in a Christmas cracker, the words on them printed in four languages; English, German, French and Dutch.


Here is a couple I plucked at random:

Watch an erotic movie together and
let it inspire you to start
your own lovemaking. Maybe you will be better at it!
Dress up in clothing that your partner finds
attractive or a turn-on,
and seduce him/her as though you’ve just met for the first time.

Even though I know I won’t use something like this, I’m pleased to see this little box of prompts included. As cheesy as most of them are, if you step back and look at them for what they are – which is mostly a reminder to connect and be intimate and see where that leads – they’re a great little tool for injecting a bit of life back into long-term partner sex that’s gone a bit stale. They’re also fab icebreakers for the shy or unadventurous.

December 5th

Christmas in a bottle! This lovely little bottle of Xmas Massage Oil is my fave calendar find so far. I love massages to the point where I sometimes prefer them to sex. Pretty bold statement really, considering that I love sex so much I’ve made it part of my job.

Care is needed when upending this thing cos the stuff is like water and comes shooting out of the top at a breakneck speed. I’ve never come across such a thin oil before. Its base is paraffinum liquidum (no, it’s not a Harry Potter spell, it’s a medicinal liquid paraffin that’s widely used in cosmetics). That’s not all that great for the skin as it can block pores, but it’s not like you’ll be plastering this all over yo’self on the daily so it’s no big deal.

It spreads brilliantly so a little goes a long way. It doesn’t dry up quickly so there’s no real need to reapply. And when it eventually gets absorbed by the skin it doesn’t go tacky, it just leaves lovely softness in its wake. I think that could be because of the jojoba oil in it.

And Lordy Lord, the fragrance is literally Christmas. Well, my kinda Christmas, anyway. It’s pretty much cinnamon apples and those are the scents I lean toward at this time of year. From what I can tell from the ingredients list there are no natural oils in this, though. The smell is synthetic. But I don’t care about that because once I’ve had it on me I smell like an apple strudel and that’s a beautiful thing.

December 6th

Today I found the first buzz of the box! It was obvious that there’d be some kinda vibe floating around in one of the mini-boxes, but I honestly thought it wouldn’t be revealed until Christmas Eve. That’s how it usually works, right? The biggest treat is saved until last?

There could be something better to come on the 24th but for now, I have a classic black, silver trimmed vibrator by You2Toys to play with. It’s small in size, with an overall length of 6” and a 3.5” maximum girth. Made of ABS plastic with a soft touch finish, it’s perfectly safe for internal use. Adorning the base and making it look a bit more special than these things usually do is a very pretty acrylic gem. I can only describe its colours as an aurora borealis kinda thing, cos any motion at all has it sparkling and changing. The gem is well fixed into the base so isn’t likely fall out.


I can’t pretend I’m not keen on this style of vibe, cos I’m just not. They’re too straight and, well… boring, really. This one runs on two AAA batteries and has a simple twist cap control, which is easy to use right up until you get wet fingers. The noise it makes sounds exactly like I remember my kiddie hairdryer sounding way back in the 80s. And the vibes? They’re what you’d expect from a two AAA battery toy. Super buzzy and not all that powerful. But, that’s not to say it’s rubbish, cos some people actively search for that type of sensation. They like it surface level, mild and tickly, and that’s exactly what this one delivers.

December 7th

I didn’t think a bottle of lube would be too far away, and I was right. Right there in box number seven is a 50ml bottle of Just Glide. I’ve reviewed quite a few products for Orion over the past year and a half, and my lovely contact, Sandra, often pops in a bottle of this stuff. So, I’m already very familiar with it.

The ingredients list doesn’t contain parabens, which is good, and there’s no glycerin either. That should make this lube safe for use for those who suffer from easily triggered yeast infections, but all is not as it seems. One of the ingredients is sorbitol, and that’s a sugar alcohol so if you do get regular yeast infections it could be one to watch.

Just Glide Medical Lubricant is a water-based lube that’s odourless and flavourless. It’s nice and thick so works well for anal penetration, and that makes it a good all-rounder cos it’s great for vaginal penetration and also oral. If you enjoy the taste of oral it’ll be great for you, but if not then you’re outta luck cos it does nothing to mask the taste of body fluids. It’s long-lasting, non-sticky, non-foaming – a pretty good lube for those who don’t need strict ingredients.

December 8th

You know what, I honestly think I get extra excited when these boxes rattle. This one was super noisy when I shook it, and I couldn’t wait to get my paws on whatever was inside. What did I find? The first true ‘novelty’ item I’ve pulled out of this calendar. It’s something I would expect to drop onto the carpet after I pulled a naughty Christmas cracker.

Yep, it’s a plastic keyring with a topless blonde printed on one side and it opens out on swivel joints, click by click, until blondie is gone and a 50cm long ruler has taken her place. I know, right?! Oddest thing ever, lol. At first, I thought it was company advertising merchandise. I’ve had pens, booklets, lanyards, and mugs before, so why not a tits out extendable ruler? But there’s no branding in sight, so that put paid to that idea.

Then I wondered if it might be a portable, collapsible spanking ruler (which would be frigging awesome) but it’s too unpredictable and flimsy for that. So, I guess it’s exactly what it looks like; a ruler. In to my writery things box it goes.

December 9th

As a sex toy reviewer, there’s one thing that I never want to (and probably never will) run out of…that thing is lube. Whether I’m so horny I’m sliding off the bed, or so unhorny my vulva is a bowl of dust, lube makes whatever sex thing I’m up to feel better. So I’m always happy to discover bottles in review packages, in with purchases, and of course, in this calendar. The bottle I got in today’s box is a 30ml helping of Just Glide Original Silicone Lubricant.

Like most silicone lubes there’s only two ingredients here; Dimethicone and Dimethiconol. It behaves like most silicone lubes, too. Super liquid, long lasting, fabulous for use during masturbation/sex in water, and it’ll stain any fabrics you spill it on no problem. It’s suitable for use with latex condoms and unsuitable for use with silicone sex toys. I’m in a warmed up stainless steel in the bath mood at the moment, so more silicone lube is good!

December 10th

In today’s box I found a blindfold! These are such simple things and for how inexpensive they are (they’re even given away with some products) every adult’s toy box should have at least one.

This one is one of those kidney-shaped satin jobs with the twin elasticated bands around the back. They’re soft and smooth, lightly padded and comfy to wear, provided you don’t get your hair tangled in the straps. They don’t block out all light and sight unless you gouge the fabric into your eyes, but they do the job well enough. I keep this style on hand for afternoon snoozes so that’s what I’ll use this one for.

December 11th

Hah, it’s another novelty! This time it’s a cock and balls shaped cookie cutter. No, I haven’t used it yet cos I’m ill. I’ll happily eat em, but I won’t bake em.

But I know that, when I do use it (which I can’t not, I mean, who doesn’t want dick biscuits at Christmas?) I’m gonna have to keep my eye on the cutter’s shape, cos it’s pretty flimsy and held together by…I don’t know what, by the bend n the metal, I think. I’m gonna have fun with it though. Y’all know what I’m gonna do with white icing, right?

Check back tomorrow if you want to see what comes out of box number 12!

The Erotic Advent Calendar was sent to me by Orion Versand in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influences my opinions, which are now, and will forever be, my own. No affiliate links have been used in this post.

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