Angel of the North

This is an erotic story written in Geordie by a Geordie. I know, it’s painful to read, but with a Kink of the Week prompt like Accents, Languages, Voices (and after reading a fab short by May Moore), I couldn’t resist penning a stereotypical piece (mostly) in my own tongue. Please don’t ask for translations cos proper English will show this up for the heap of trash that it is. Enjoy 😀

Geordie’s got his dick oot. He’s owwer by the bar, leanin’ back against the brass rail wiv it in his hand. The joint is heavin’ but he gives nee fucks. Standin’ there, pointin’ it at us. Any uvver nite I’d have been ragin’. The fuckin’ cheek ov him, lobbin’ it oot in the middle ov the toon, doin’ a daft monkey face and grabbin’ his bollocks as if he finks the sight ov him jigglin’ his liggies aroond in tha auld leather bag is gunna help him score.

Aye, any uvver nite I’d have telt him to gan fuck himself, but summat aboot his dick stops us. I’ve seen plenty ov cock in me time, but I’ve nevver seen a dick quite as big as Geordie’s before. Nigh on nine inches ov solid, throbbin’ cock that stops hard for half the nite, if his crowin’ is to be believed. And every inch ov it looks ripe for the suckin’.

Geordie cocks his heed and waggles his eyebrows. I roll me eyes and do a geet loud tut, but I sneak a peek at wot he’s noddin’ at. The lavs. Wadda ya know, a bloke wantin’ to bend a lass owwer the pot. To hear the lads talk, the lasses toilets is the perfect spot for drunken fuckin’. The cistern’s there for her hands, the walls are there for his. Sanitary bin for the johnny, loo roll to wipe his dick, sinks to walk straight past so he can leave his hands smellin’ like cunt for the rest ov the nite. Just so he has summat to sniff while he wanks later on if he doesn’t manage to get to tek any pussy yem.

Cheeky shite, finkin’ I’m the kinda lass who fucks in the bogs in the Bigg Market. I only follow him across the dancefloor to tell him wot I really fink ov him. Aye, his dick looks canny, but I cannit have him finkin’ that all it teks to get in me knickers is the promise ov a vodka Red Bull and a brassy flash.

I’m foamin’ as I stand behind him in the queue. His mates scuttle past, givin’ it aye-aye, back slappin’ and hollerin’ ‘give her it, Geordie, lad!’. Fuckin’ pricks, they’ve got nee idea wot’s in store for this cocky cunt when I get him in them toilets.

Once we get fru the door Geordie wastes nee time gettin’ us into a cubicle. I slap his hands off me tits and say, “I need a piss man, Geordie, man. Will ya shift ya arse so I can pull me drawers doon?”

He twists his tits off but backs up to the door. I have to slap his hands yet again cos me cunt is out and he can’t keep off me flaps. There’s a bit ov yellin’ on my part cos I get piss on me knickers, and a bit ov laughin’ on his cos he gets piss on his fingers, but I manage to have me arse hoverin’ owwer the bowl before the dam bursts.

I look up fru bleary eyes, ready to gan off on one. I’m ready to tell Geordie that if he wants to fuck a lass like me he needs to show a bit ov class. Buy us drinks. Tek us for a kebab and offer to pay for me taxi yem. That’s the quickest way to get us to say, howay then, ya can stay at mine the nite.

But I don’t even get a chance to utter the forst word cos Geordie’s grabbed me hair and is stuffin’ his dick in me gob. Urr, when did this dorty cunt last have a baf? He smells foisty and his balls are clammy. I fink aboot pushin’ him away but he’s already halfway doon me throat. Me nose is full ov his pubes. And, even tho I stopped pissin’ a couple ov minutes ago, me cunt is gettin’ wetter.

God, me legs are killin’ cos I’m still hoverin’ over the loo seat. It’s funny, isn’t it. I’ll suck a musty cock in the bogs, I’ll put me hand on the sanitary bin to keep meself on me feet, but I won’t put me arse on a public toilet seat. Not wivout coverin’ it wiv loo roll forst.

The more Geordie grunts the more I start gettin’ into this blowjob. I’m lickin’ and suckin’ and gaggin’, tryin’ me best not to puke. Snortin’ like a pig, and moanin’ a bit, as well. Geordie puts his meaty hand aroond me neck and squeezes to make me throat tighter. I put me hand over his and feel his fingers do a little Mexican wave every time his cock moves under them.

Me thighs are burnin’. I cough and retch. Even tho I’m actually enjoyin’ having me face fucked I look up at Geordie fru one eyelash – I cannit see fru the loose falsie on the other eye – and give him a hackey look. As I do, a bit ov spit trickles oot me nose and I make a funny noise. Fuck, I’ve got the hiccups!

Geordie yanks his dick oot me gob so quick I nearly fall flat on me mush. He grabs me arms, pulls us up. Drags me top doon, jimmies me tits oot me bra and sucks me nipples. Well, he tries to. He’s so pissed he just ends up wiv nearly half me right tit in his gob, fillin’ it so much he can’t even suck. And then when he shifts to the left one he only teks the very tip ov me nipple in. When he bites I squeal and shove him back.

“Just chew me tit off why don’t ya? Dozy twat!”

“Shut ya fuckin’ trap and turn aroond. Bend owwer and put ya hands on the bog seat.”

“Like fuck! I’m not puttin’ me hands where hundreds ov lasses have dripped piss –”

He grabs me hair and shoves us heed first at the lav. He’s lucky I catch meself before I fall in cos there’d have been hell on if any part ov us had touched that watter. I feel a bit sick when I smell the reek coming from the pot. I cannit bring meself to even look at the deck. I just close me eyes, listen to the big dicked dipshit behind us swearin’ cos his big fat fingers cannit open the condom packet.

A split one hits the bin. Then another. And then I’m bitin’ me own arm and liftin’ me arse higher so Geordie can get more ov that lovely fat cock inside us. It goes straight in. All nine inches ov it, swallowed up by me suddenly starvin’ cunt.

If anyone ootside the cubicle doesn’t know wot’s goin’ on inside it, they’re fuckin’ idiots. Cos I’m makin’ so much noise ya’d fink I wos in me own hoose. I’m beggin’ Geordie to fuck us. To give us his dick, to grab me tits. He tries to slap them but misses and gets mad at himself. I pay for it when I laugh cos he squeezes them so hard I’m convinced they’ll be porple for a week. He slaps me arse, grabs me hair and rams his dick in so deep I gan blind.

Harder, harder, faster, deeper. The cubicle walls are rattlin’, the loo seat swings clean off its hinges. I almost fall in the bowl when I cum cos me legs give way, and Geordie does fuck all to save us. I hear the snap ov a rubber being pulled off a still hard dick, then feel summat warm rainin’ down on me arse. Geordie came on us.

He slaps me cheeks, rubs his spunk in, then pulls me knickers up. I’m starin’ at the watter in the toilet, still cummin’ but sure I’m gonna puke. I don’t, tho, and Geordie twists and turns us until I’m lookin’ at him.

“Bastard,” I mumble.

“Ya liked it, tho,” he says. The tip ov his tongue is stickin’ oot cos he’s concentratin’ on puttin’ his cock away. “Didn’t ya.”

“Arrogant dick. FYI, that wos the worst shag I’ve evver had.”

“Aye, rite. I’m gannin’ for a takeaway and then I’m off yem. Ya comin’?”

It’s on the tip ov me tongue to tell him to dream the fuck on, but I don’t. I nod and follow him oot the ladies, across the dancefloor and ootside. Well, it’s like I said; I’ve nevver seen a cock quite as big as Geordie’s before.


Prompt: Accents, Languages, Voices

19 thoughts on “Angel of the North

  1. I read this on my phone – in bed with my coffee this morning – and laughed out loud. It is so raw that I have to admit I cringed in places but I think its priceless. So glad my little tale inspired you to write this. 😉 x

    1. It’s definitely not one to be taken seriously is it, lol. I’ve read a couple of ‘sex in the toilets’ stories and they’ve been so clean, almost romantic even, and that doesn’t fit with my experiences at all. Drunk fucking in a bar’s loos is dirty and I needed to reflect that, though I admit that I wrinkled my nose a lot as I wrote it cos could feel how grimy it was.x

  2. I have a pretty good ear for wading through thick accents, but reading them on the page – especially where dirty toilets are concerned – is a whole ‘nuvver fing, wot?

    Nicely (and humorously) done. 😉

    1. Thanks, Feve 😀 Keeping the phonetic thing going was hard, but editing the finished story was nearly the end of me. I’m still finding accidental English in it now, lol.x

  3. I was wondering about Geordie too but you did such a great job with the accent I forgot about it. It reminds me of a really well written series of books, called the “Ma,” series which was heart wrenching at times but she got the language down pat just as you did.

  4. This is brilliant in my opinion. Such a hard thing to do, to write in an accent but you totally nailed it and the bit where she is musing about how he should at least buy her a kebab first made me laugh out loud

    Mollyx

    1. Cheers, Bee 😀 I was so stressed about people not knowing what the fuck I was on about so it’s great to hear that some are finding it an easy, fun read.x

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